Hey,

It’s been a while since I penned something personal here. I mean, everything I’ve written here is personal, it’s just that I think I haven’t written anything that’s not structured, poem-like, or letter-like for the longest time. A diary kinda write-up, that is.

Like it matters.

Anyway, I missed blogging like this! I can’t even remember the last time I came here to just randomly vent without overanalyzing what everyone would say when they stumble upon this rabbit hole. I know, I know, it's not like I have a lot of readers, but my adult self won't advertise her blog like she did back in the day. 

Hmmm, maybe I spilled a thing or two about this to some friends but I only gave the link to the person I trust the most. And I'm glad I did just that, 'cause I backread and halfway through doing so, I was cringing at some of  the things I've written here! Well, some made me proud though, but what would they say if they get their hands on this? 

Welp, there is nothing new to show anyway... 

Until today, that is! Three months into the year and here I am trying to revamp this entire thing. Usually, the urge comes later in the year but due to incessant boredom, I found myself in the process of editing the template (as in how this blog looks) but I hated the resolution of the images in my output so I've decided to just halt the entire renovation thing until I find out the reason. Man, I was really looking forward to a more minimalist look, though! I've gotten really tired of the princess-y pink themes I stuck with through the years and this new one I came up with is more matured as it fits my current aesthetic. And age.

I am now 25! Older, wiser, but more emotional and more empathetic, probably.

Before the year started, one of my best buds asked what I wanted for the incoming year-- I told him, I wish everything would fall into place for me. I've always stated in this cyber outlet how things were never in my favor and, surprise! They still aren't, up to this day. But don't worry. I'm still your persistent baby girl who believes that working hard... still won't get you there. LOL. This is the second time this happened to me. This feeling's familiar already, I should know how to react, but no, I can't help but succumb to my feelings. No one is to blame, just me and my thirst for recognition-induced validation. Do me a favor and tell me this isn't bad and things will be alright.

You might be wondering, why does it seem like have a lot of time in my hands? Well, how can I forget? We are on a community lockdown and we're not allowed to go out. This is the government's effort to reduce a pandemic, minus the mass testing. Stupid, I know.

I am an introvert and staying at home is starting to bore the hell out of me! For real, I already miss going outside and that's unusual because those words never mixed in my vocabulary. Okay, maybe I just miss the boyfriend badly.

Years from now, my nostalgic ass would re-read parts of this blog (I should know, I have been doing that) and remember how all of this made me feel. I should be enraged reading this by then but I wish I should also be relieved by that time because I really hope that things would be better when the time comes. Crossing my fingers!

P.S.: I'm sorry for how bad and random this turned out.

Still Into You

Day 1 into this relationship and I’ve already kept in the back of my mind that two weeks after, you’re going to get tired and then leave me eventually. 

But look, love. Almost 7 years later, here you are still proving me wrong.

I long for you on days that we can’t physically be together. The world has never been nice to me but with you around, I feel like I could conquer it.

You know, love, I really don’t get why but when I’m on my own, I always have to be strong— not just for myself, but for everyone else as well. With you, I can let my guard down and be the one being looked out after. I've always loved the feeling. My heart is always at ease when yours is near. Your mere presence comforts me— it has always been the reliever I needed for my panic attacks. Goodness, what I would do to always be around you.

You are my home— the walls I could always lean on, the roof that is up there to provide me warmth and protection, and the door that is always open to welcome me. You are where I'm most comfortable and loved. You are mine. And yes,

I’d love to go home to you.

Devils Roll The Dice, Angels Roll Their Eyes

It’s 9:42 and I am on the floor with alcohol and feelings I don’t know the name of.

I am as dazed as I am certain that you feel it too. I may or may not be making things up but my gut tells me otherwise. I wish I am not making things up. I WOULD LOVE IT IF I WEREN’T. Except, I am not sober thinking about this at that moment.

The clock ticked 11:19 and I wait for you to make the first move. You didn’t, so I did.

And I hate that I did. I am sobering up and I’m still pondering about it. So I guess, joke’s on me cause intoxicated or not, the thought has already consumed me. Who am I kidding, though? I act like it just happened when in all honesty, it’s been like this for quite a few months already and I’ve been playing it cool since. I loved playing it stupid.

03:20 now with my slumber disturbed, I have no idea what to do. I’ve long concluded that this is errant but I could just pray to the lord to make this stop.

Or rather, make me stop. I know this is a spur of a moment kind of thing but it’s as if I almost wanted to delve in this illusion I did or did not make up. But I want to be proven wrong as much as this is wrong.

It’s 6:32 and I just woke up.

Still with feelings I don’t know the name of.

Hope You're Smitten

To my favorite inbox notif,
here i am greeting you a happy birthday,
wishing it'd be your favorite notif as well
out of the hundred greetings you'd prolly get.

Some sappy birthday message I made for a friend who wants to greet the girl he likes.

She doesn't deserve my quality writing tho.