"Do You Know Pain?"

Pain has been my loyal company for years. It never left my side even when I was immensely miserable. Oh wait, it was why I was immensely miserable. It was always there and I guess it loved me very much. It clung to me indeed, but I could say that my relationship with it was an enlightenment.

I felt pain when I was left hanging-- hanging on a belief that he likes me back, and when he left me hanging alone on that queue when we were supposed to ride the Ferris wheel together. It was rubbing into my face what rejection meant; what I-will-never-like-you would look like if it had a face and a hand that's bound to slap you. It was when I ran away crying my heart out, having the worst birthday ever.

I saw pain when I saw him look at her the same way he looked at me. It was seeing them do all the lovey-dovey things we used to do together. It was when I died inside right then and there, wishing I was her instead.

I heard pain when she told me what happened to him; that he had the worst Valentine's day because he was left by the girl he chose over me. It was crying until school the next day for feeling his pain. It's crying because I never would've done that to him if he chose me instead. It was hearing my heart shatter-- feeling all the pain for him, feeling everything I shouldn't feel.

I smelled pain when I knew he would ignore me and I was right. It was when I just wanted him to notice me and he didn't, like we are complete strangers with memories. It was like welcoming death by ignoring warnings.

I had a taste of pain when all my reminiscences turned out to be bitter. It was when I thought that everything was sweet until it finally hit me that I just made myself believe in all those actions which were actually unrealistic. It was fooling my mind, believing my own lies, neglecting myself.

I knew pain when I've gotten over everything. It was when I never had to feel, hear, nor even taste or smell pain ever again. It was when I finally found love; when I cry not because some guy meddled with my feelings, but because someone values my worth. It was kissing and all of a sudden, fireworks would lit up the sky like he paid for them to make my moment spontaneous. It was not just the Ferrero bouquet or the material things he gave me, it was the sincerity. It was risking the fall and knowing it was worth every heartbeat, and finding hope when there is none. It is every I love you, and you are going to be the last girl I'll ever love. It was bidding pain goodbye and saying hello to relief.

Looks Like I'm Finally Awake

This must be God's way of telling me that moving on is the best thing I ever did.

For imbecile reasons, I woke up disappointed today. My dreams, my oh-so vivid dreams... For a moment there, I thought it was real. I could still remember every bit of him in that moment --gray shirt, gray shorts, his bright orange backpack which he carries along wherever he goes, his face, his sincerity, the way he apologized, and how he put his arms around me-- my weakness then, actually. And it's all in one dream.

I wonder, would you call it a dream when everything felt so real? When you know it was there, just merely existing the whole time? Sigh. If you were in my place, I know you'd feel the same. In that surreal moment, it felt like time warped me in some place where I'm obliged to feel every emotion I know I've gotten rid of. Oh and, did I mention that it made me feel bad? It did, and I have to feel that way the whole day. It sucks, FYI. It made me feel the pain all over again.

I'm not disappointed because we'll never work out, I'm disappointed 'cause everything I dreamed of that night won't happen in reality. It's not that I want him to get mushy with me or whatever, all I ever wanted was for him to say sorry. The problem is, he's too busy to notice that he was the reason behind all the pain I felt during the past few months. I usually ask myself if he haven't noticed, but I think I know the answer all along. And it's a big fat no for that matter 'cause I figured that he'd rather be with other girls than care for my feelings. Oh well. Looks like some things are better off the way I won't want them to be. Who knows? If he happened to be my *ehem* boyfriend *ehem*, he might have done something worse, right?

Today marks the 41st month of liking him-- if I never stopped, that is. Truth be told, but I don't really miss him. If not for this dream - slash - nightmare last night then I'd totally forgot that he exists. Boom, auto reminisce mode was activated. The one I had on February 24 was a good cry. It didn't just made me feel better, it also ignited that I should really move on 'cause he'll never like me whatever I do. I've accepted the fact and I feel better now.

Blaaaahhhh, here goes another nonsensical post about how pitiful my lovelife is.

Faux letter for a faux lover

Last year, March 21st, I was writing you a letter. I don't know what's with March 21st and letters, but I'm doing the exact same thing a year after.

I honestly don't know what to reply when you tried to talk to me on chat. Prolly because it's: A.) too surreal for my life, and B.) I've already told and convinced myself that things like this would never happen and if it does then it might be December 21, 2012 already. But heck, I can't help myself. I was too caught off guard. Well I'm sorry. It's just that the pain I get from talking to you like nothing happened is just as painful as keeping it all to myself. I bet you don't know that I was just letting them all pass right before my eyes but deep, deep, down inside, I was actually striving hard to surpass all the misery that's right infront of me. And then I became numb... great.

Last night, you told me that you kept the letter I gave you last year. My heart dropped! Seriously, I wasn't expecting that from you. I already supposed that you already threw it somewhere or your then girlfriend tore it to pieces, but no. I stand corrected. And I was extremely touched upon learning that you're still keeping it up to now, meaning you kept it even when you were with somebody else. Hee. I was worrying about that letter for weeks... or even months, and when you told me that, I could not ask for more since you made me feel like I made something so special and valuable and I were as special and valuable to you. However, when you told me that I should be thankful to you for keeping that, everything came crashing down. It's like you're telling me that you don't even want to keep that letter and you're keeping it just for the sake of keeping it. Sigh. I just hope you noticed that it's the part where our conversation got screwed up.

I was crying the whole night. The thought of you is keeping me up. "I never want to see you again", I keep on reiterating. But I've always wanted a closure. With a prayer saying that I need somebody to be there for me, I headed to dreamland. Zzzz.

Somebody to be there for me, in other terms, love life. I don't know if it's coincidental or not, but everytime I'd pray for that, I'd always bump into you. Crazy, right? It was a surprise to see you again. And chat for a bit. And blah. Like nothing happened the night before... ouch. I never said a thing or two about pain and the like, but I wanted to. I badly wanted to. Problem is, I chickened out! Shiz. But I'll catch you next time, I swear! I won't let you go without telling you my feelings. That is if I won't chicken out like I do every effing time. Ugh. My sh*tload of regrets is slowly drowning the hell out of me.

Tomorrow's the letter's anniversary, I know you remember. Remember what I said about being confused with my feelings? Now I know...

I have loved you, and I'll always love you. So much. I don't care about everything or anything, I can ignore them all for you, but... now I don't feel the same anymore.

You might think I'm bulletproof, but I'm not

I'd like to believe that he did nothing wrong... that he didn't lead me on, that he never lied, that I shouldn't be mad at him, but it turns out that I'm just fooling myself.

I guess it's been eons since the last time I cried this hard. Mind you, I don't usually cry but when I do, it's because I can't take the pain anymore. I don't normally show that I'm sad because I never wanted to be the mood killer, but there's just something today that made me burst into an emotional breakdown.

Earlier, I wasn't able to contain myself. Apparently, the news I heard the night before was so timely because today, 24th of February, marks one year after I fell into the "trap" A.K.A. "the sweetest lies". Which means that a year had passed since the motive went from being subtle to extreme. I couldn't deny the fact that I'm happy all because of one person, and that one person was the one I've been wishing for ever since God knows when. Should I retell the part where I fell head over heels for him over and over again when he said "Pag nagselos ka uli break na tayo?" after I didn't spoke to him for days? Ok, no. But there you go, I wish you see what I did there.

Back to the news. I just overheard what happened to him and his recent breakup. For Cries' sake, I learned that she broke up just because she thinks that the sparks have flown away. Sweet cheesus. Okay, lemme see. 6 months, and he spoiled her with everything, SMS-ed her sweet messages before she goes to sleep and before she wakes up, fetch her from school despite the fact that he doesn't live in Malabon anymore, and blah, and blah, and blah, things I wish he did to me, but never happened. In fact, he does the contrary when it comes to me. But how come I still care for him? Almost 3 years, I know I shouldn't be hurting but I did. I even cried. It's because I came to realize that I haven't done anything to hurt him yet she was chosen instead of me. I've always been here, but instead he ventured away. She hurt him and I have never thought of doing that. This and that, compare and contrast, I figured that I could never change his decision. He wanted it, now he's hurting. I want to think that karma's hitting on him but it seems like I'm feeling his pain as well. Ugh. Can somebody bitchslap me? I need to get back to my normal self. And I need to forget about this crap, for cries' sake, I can't wait to get over this.

Dealing with a heart that I didn't break;

I'll be there for you,

I will care for you,

I keep thinking, you just don't know.

I told you, "You might have him, but I always get the last word"

I would like to believe that karma's a bitch and too much of that is on its way to "him". So again, they broke up. And that kiddo, for imbecile reasons, started posting "Happy Valentines Day!" on her friends'profile. She posted on her ex's profile and as I can see, there's a slight hint of pamiss and intentional hurting whatsoever in it. Seriously, I don't like it. After I posted "She better hold him tight, give him all the love, look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky 'cause he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar, the only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star." she'll do that?! Sweet Jesus. I just told her, but in a really really subtle manner, that I'm leaving everything to her and she can have him. Just. Don't. Ever. Hurt. Him. BUT SHE JUST DID.

Oh come on, I could have been better than that. But I was never given the chance to prove it and worst, I got hurt so... there you go, you're feeling the same now. Good luck with that, 'cause I'm over that phase and too bad I can't stay with him there. Hah! Mwah!

JANUARY 22: 2 Years Ago

Errr, that's me. And that guy on the left was the guy I liked for ___ years. Teehee. Yeah that's Jem. This was our booth whatsoever for the fairbound that year, and we were set-up to have our photo taken. I was trying not to have it taken so I was being makulit and I was moving all over the place. HAHAHAHA, but the fans succeeded. We had our photo taken but none of those are decent. But he seems happy in every single crazy photo we had -- HE WAS SMILING! So yeah, here, some of the photos taken 'cause not everybody uploaded. Take note, these photos were taken exactly 2 years ago.

At least I know I gave him that smile even for a moment. *smiles* Sorry for this post, I said I'm going to move on, but I really am, I just found myself missing him. I know this will never happen again so... Jem, if you came across this post one day, let me just tell you that I loved you so much. You were never mine but I wish you were. At this point, I'm moving on but I felt sad when you got even and you didn't greet me on my birthday. But, whatever. Nothing will change, you'll still be with her and I'll be here. Sure you can come back, but everything won't be the same. By that time, hopefully, I'm better than this. Despite all the pain and bitterness, I'll still be happy for you. Not just wholeheartedly, though! But I will be. Soon. *smiles* P.S.: Don't worry, I'm trying not to cry as hard as I did before. I'm starting to feel ok. *smugs*


PHOTO CREDITS TO: C. Quintana, D. Domingo, J. Padilla

Of love and putting this commitment to an end

Before I start this post, let me just say that I couldn't do this anymore. I'm putting this 366 day blog whatsoever to an end! I couldn't take seeing my blog with nonsensical posts. Never! And besides, college is stressing the hell out of me and my creative juices are usually drained so... I'm letting go. This blog doesn't deserve to suffer!

Okay, ehem. I actually have nothing good to write. I just would want to vent about how hurtful it was the other day when I saw him and I went on without saying anything. Actually, the only thing I want for my birthday is to talk to him. I swear, this wish could go on 'til my birthday next year, and the years after that if ever it won't happen -- I just need to talk to him.

First, I want to ask him why he chose her instead of me. I mean, I've been here since God knows when, so why her? *almost tearing up* 2008, 2009, 2010... I've been her eversince. I watched him play basketball, achieved things, and even evolved! And did I mention that I liked him even if he doesn't look as good as he does now? I liked him, I liked him so much. Admit it or not, there came a point when we both know that I stupefied myself just for him. And don't forget my efforts which, by the way, are put to waste. My super letter on a Superman stationery, and blah, and blah, and blahhh, I wish it's always February 24, 2011 when he made me go giddy and whatever. Ugh! I hate how it's making me sad. And no, I'm not losing all the progress I made. I'm just being... nostalgic. *cries* I don't know.

I watch Superman fly away. I swear, I'll be with you someday. I'll be right here on the ground when you come back down.

"Will this matter a year from now?"

DECEMBER 14, 2010; The unluckiest, most euphoric day of the year that was. Know what happened? 1.) My shoe broke on my way to school, 2.) I left my exam permit and project at home, and 3.) Lots of other ditty mishaps went on my way but I couldn't remember them. But just when I thought that that kind of luck will go on the whole day, something unexpected happened. Well, I know he was just stressing the fact but... haha, he told me I was pretty. He told me I was pretty and my heart spun. He told me I was pretty just when I thought that nothing will ever go right and I needed something to be happy about. He told me I was pretty just because. He told me I was pretty and I swear, every annoying feeling was gone immediately. It was like being on cloud nine! I even mentioned that I don't want that day to end.

DECEMBER 14, 2011; The most nostalgic day of the year, if I may say. Though I moved on, a pint of sadness pricked me. Worst, it came with thoughts of everything that happened a year ago. I was even hoping that I'll see him by chance! Oh I don't know, maybe I'd just; PLAN A: Greet him, or PLAN B: Ignore and show that I don't know him. Blaaahhhh. I miss everything that happened a year ago! I miss it, I miss it so bad, and I was force to reminisce.

Right now, I only have two wishes -- that he'll notice that I haven't greeted him yet and that he'll feel sad for that.

All that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss

I hate that you have to pop in my mind sometimes.

I hate that sometimes it makes me melancholic to the point that it'll send me to the brink of crying.

I hate that I have to feel that way when I know for a fact that I've gone forth.

I regret nothing actually, and I don't regret loving you so dearly. Those were one of the best moments ever. It was good while it lasted, and it hurts that it has to end. I can't help but say "that should  be me..." whenever I see you do stuffs with your girlfriend that I wish you did with me. I know you bought her a pony plushie; but do you remember when you'd playfully call me pony and I'll call you nose? That just made me think that perhaps it reminds you of me. Kidding.

I hate that I have to come up with this just so I the pain would alleviate. You know, this should come to a screeching halt. I'm starting to look pitiful again. Sigh.

Rumor has it she ain't got your love anymore

Let me start by saying that I don't intend to be bitter and this happened once and it might not occur again so excuse this post and God Bless my soul.

Out of curiosity, I checked his (ex) girlfriend's Facebook profile a few days ago. It seemed weird because her "In a Relationship" status wasn't there and their pictures together were deleted. I hypothesized, "Did they broke up?" Did they? Or they didn't? Just when I was about to jump into conclusions...

The day after, I confirmed the news. They did broke up. They really did. And that's the reason why my ever revengeful self tweeted "Weh? Anu yan? Break Na? PARRRTTTYYYY!!! At hindi dahil single ka na, dahil mas wasted ka pa sakin. HAHAHAHA, LOSER!!!" Ha! I know I sound mean, but actually I'm happy because the reality that I wanted is finally happening. Harharhar. But like what I said, it's not because I still love him or whatever, but because he's just as hurt as I was a few months ago. I think it's safe to say that it's not just we're even, but justice is served.

I don't know how filthy his intentions were but let me just rub it in his face that I have gone forth and nobody's left to comfort him. Oh and, that's an awesome birthday - slash - Christmas gift. xx!

#andifeveryoullbreakupwithhertoday

I'll be there to comfort you. While I'm at it, Ill show you how you are not worthy of the pain you're feeling -- cause I know you don't deserve that. I might as well do my best to be your great confider cause I hate seeing you in such state.

But never would I dumb myself again. You don't deserve that, I said. But when I was just about to give my everything, you chose her instead. Now I guess you don't deserve that love I was to offer you. I hate seeing you sad, do you feel the same way for me? Oh wait, you're actually the reason why I'm melancholic. As deteriorated as can be, I'd rather see you sad so you'll feel the same way I did when you chose to break my heart.

I love you, still. But I have to go and seek a greater perhaps. I'm not worthy of this pain, don't you think?

A disgusting poem I did weeks ago

Why do I even bother thinking of you,

when I know for a fact that the same thing is not what you do?

Why am I wasting so much time and effort,

when I know that yours has already been given to someone else?

Why, is she of much worth?

Or is it because that the love she’s been showing is much intense?

I guess you’re quite numb,

for you haven’t noticed a thing or two,

and I’ve been here for a long time now.

I can even beat her in a `how well do you know` game!

And it’s because I’m so fond of you, even if you don’t have fame.

Yes it’s true, from your full name to your weird manner of sucking your thumb.

You asked me once if it’s true that I like you,

wherein I stared badly as a reply.

Now I wonder,

would everything change if `yes!` was my cry?

What would’ve happened if I told the truth rather than deny?

But I guess it’s too late, I just have to let my tears run dry.

Now all there’s left to do is to say `goodbye`.

To move on.

To be euphoric.

Grow up, he’s pathetic!

And you’re strong, you can’t let him lead you on.

So for you; I loved you, goodbye.

Sweet escape to the train on the second trip

Coincidences, they happen. It's either you had that instance to invigorate for that moment and treasure for the rest of your life, or you had it to feel hatred... and to learn to bury the hatchet and move on with your life rather than to express loathe and look stupid.

J,

I'm pretty sure that right now, the Lord is testing me. Know why? `Cause I'm undergoing this instance which lies between the line of moving on and holding back -- and I'm confused. Hellaconfused, that is.  

If I continue to hold on, will you love me the same way? And if I move on, will you be sad that I'm gone?

Looks like the saddest  part is that you don't even know that I came up with these choices. What was I thinking? I know you never cared for me yet I've been fooling myself that you do. Sigh. I guess it's just all in my mind.

As I'm gearing towards the end of this letter, I am more convinced that I should really do the move. Ever since, I just let things flow. I know it made me happy, but sometimes it can be really unfair and it could even give me the darkest days. I think I'm losing.

If you're worth this pain then good, I wish I'll get through this somehow and we'll find our way back in the end. If not... then I'm so sorry that you don't have an awesome girl, like me, as your girlfriend. Ha-ha. Kidding... aside. LOL no, really

Thank you for everything and anything in between. I would never ever forget the words you spoke and the things you did. Hopefully in 2 months, I've finally gotten over this. But that's quite a long time, right? Unexpected things can happen. We'll see! Oh and... you'll always be the `illest` love of mine.

xx, J

P.S.: You know how to get me. B A S K E T B A L L.

P.P.S.: This letter is posted exactly a year after I posted this.

Thank God I found the `good` in `goodbye`

Yes, see you soon was pushed through... and I guess that would be the last time that I would be feeling that crazy, giddy feeling for him.

Weeks ago, he's been killing me softly with his sweetness then the next thing I know is that right now, I'm in front of my desktop talking about how he's killing me softly after I learnt about lots of things regarding him. That was so damn depressing indeed. And you can read via Twitter about how abhorrent I think he is! You see, I tweet like I'm a wasted piece of crap who would drink muriatic acid anytime. Boohoo.

I can't believe he chose someone younger than me. I mean, hello, with her age it looks that she just got her period. And perhaps she's still using baby bras. LOL. Now I sound so bitter and what the hell! I don't feel like myself after saying that. Anyway, I can't blame her. His words are too sugarcoated that everybody falls for it. I feel sad for her though, I can see that she'll get hurt eventually.

And as for the asshole who broke my heart, my middle finger salutes you. I'm sorry for being so bitter, but I guess you have to know that. If, by any chance, you happen to read this, I think you should know that I gave up 2 of my beloved ones because I think you're the one worth loving. I stand corrected! You hurt me and they were there to alleviate the pain you caused. Goodbye, and thank you. And if you don't mind, I'd rip the letter I gave you months ago. I am more than willing to do that, dear. LOVED ya! xo.

P.S. If ever you'll look for me soon, I'll always be here. But most probably, I'm not the same person anymore.

If We Ever Meet Again

Yes, I'm still holding on to that... I mean, it's like a promise and he should keep it.

That SMS was composed last Friday night, when I lied to him about sending a group message. Oh puh-leaze. I can't let myself fall into his words again. Note to self, always remember that a future ambassador should not trust words easily.

I am looking forward to the weekend!!! Quenny hosted a party on their yacht and agggghhh he said he's coming. I hope so! I am craving for a moment with that stooge. Haha!

Good Night, this just another nonsensical post about my so-called "love life".

A nonsensical post about love

Just when I feel like giving up on us, You turned around and gave me one last touch; that made everything feel better

A line from Rihanna's California King Bed. I knew it would be useful someday.

After 23 days, I was able to feel his presence again! Good, cause I thought he died already. JOKE, KIDDING, KNOCK ON WOOD, CAN'T HAPPEN! Samara's not yet ready to lose his father. Hello, future! Lol. Back to what I'm saying, aaaahhh!!! Our conversation was snappy though, cause I still have classes the next day! Booooo. I saw it coming anyway. But the following words knocked me out and I just feel like sharing it. Teehee.

AKO: Good night! :)
HIM: good night dn... nyahaha.. xD
AKO: Gm! =))))
HIM: alam ko.. haha.. bawal ba replayan ung Gm! =))))
AKO: Hindi!!! Hahaha wala naman ako nilagay jan na bawal ka magreply! Hahaha :))
AKO: Geh na, may pasok pa ko bukas. Sa susunod na lang uli haha niiiiight :D
HIM: ewan.. =))) . haha .  xD
HIM: hahaha... =) . sige see u soon.. :)

He said he'll see me soon. I wonder when was that, but I really can't wait! You see baby, I'll defy how many nautical miles just to see you.

Baby don't you break my heart slow

We both know that I miss you. Can you make it easier for me? Cause I know you don’t care as much as I do but please, it’s killing me. If you won’t talk to me then fine, I’ll consider moving on. It’ll hurt, yes, but that won’t go on forever, right? Unless self-inflicted, lol. AAAAAHHHH, whatever. It looks like I’m giving up on you. But that’s quite alright, I guess… since I don’t have anything much to lose.

Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate everything that happened but eh, it kinda looks like that he’s leading me on. Excuse me, I would never dumb myself for a guy… I am too precious for that! Hihi.

Anyway, July 4 is the day. 3 years, yo. We’ll see what will happen.

Fourteen

His favorite number.
His birthday.
My age when I started to fall for him.
The number of days since we last talked.

Earlier, my professor was talking about foods. I wasn't paying attention though, cause I'm too hungry to handle the topic. Then I heard her say "Serapion" so I immediately asked my seatmate; "Ano daw? Serapion? Ang alin?" "Yung pagkain daw! Masarap yon!" "Ahh! Kala ko Serapion. Kung anu ano na naman naririnig ko. Haha!" Oooohhh. Nostalgia, I blame you!

My blockmate and I went to Grand Central to eat. She was the one who ordered for us so I was left at the table. I overheard these college girls at the other table saying that they're all swooning over this guy named "Jem". Ehhhhhh!!!

Looks like it's time to do some major ear cleaning, yo.

I do, cherish you for the rest of my life

Random title of a random entry.

My gosh, I didn't know that it's been a year since this incident. After everything that happened, all I can say is..

.. Everything you've done is well-appreciated. I love how you make me so happy. Know what? Just by seeing you, I feel so eternally happy! And whenever you make the effort to talk to me first, I feel like I'm going to die due to insane happiness. Really! Oh, and I appreciate how you cheer me up whenever I'm sad. Also, I appreciate how you appreciate the little things I give you. AND I CAN'T HELP BUT APPRECIATE EVERYTHING YOU DO. I love you.