Writing in 2020 for Your Resident Writer

It's 3 AM-ish and I’m feeling nostalgic.  

The last time I consistently slept at midnight was in college— some nights were dedicated for school and most were for my musings. Either I’m writing or I’m typing, it always has to be at par with what my mind is blurting otherwise, I’d be frustrated for not being able to properly convey my feelings in the way I am most familiar with. 

 And I can’t believe I am doing it again years later.

Writing has always been my sanctuary. For some reason, it kept me sane. It was the only self-expression I'm probably capable of that I've had entries for my blissful, gloomy, shattered, smitten, and whatever-you-can-think-of days. I could still remember the gush when a topic would suddenly pop in my head as I'm busy with something, or when I'd weave a good sentence out of nowhere and I'd frantically draft it in my primitive phone so I could incorporate it in whatever I'm going to write about later on. At that time, it was very liberating for me to produce write-ups out of my introspection especially because I had no one to talk to and I was told that I write quite well. Although my fastidious self would struggle curating my stories from time to time, it helped me hone my craft while enjoying it. Clicking the "Publish" button would always make me happy as well as having positive feedback from people who came here to read. It was probably my peak? 

Now, it's more of an achievement. My post count dipped and I'm really saddened that I haven't moved on from my massive writer's block. A lot has happened since those sleepless nights and I haven't written anything about them yet all because I can't put stories into words like I used to. Oh, and work kept me busy that I think one or two entries a year would suffice. Again, I am a perfectionist and I can't even surpass my own standards. Guess I'm the problem, eh?

Or maybe this year, I can be better. I hope I can be better.

Of International Relations and Graduation

Wise men would say that the past is not a nice place to stay in. One should move on, but he should come back every once in a while to see how far he had gone.

I guess yesterday was chosen to be one of those "onces" in once in a while. We had this Time Capsule event wherein we were asked to read in front of everyone the essays we passed back in freshman year. Some passed theirs, some did not, and here goes mine;

Of Confusion and International Relations

It was all set on the Summer of 2007. I, a fresh grad from elementary, is burning the phone lines with thy bestfriend who can't heko but overthink things and stress about the future. "Journalism?""Yes, Journalism!" We planned to take it since we thought that it's the course that fits us most. We just have to wait for a couple or more years before we start filing our entrance forms. Fast forward to Senior Year. It was just a hell of a ride! And entrance tests are such burdens. We stress about it as much as we stress about our grades. Stress was all over my system! And I guess it's pretty obvious because the redundancy of that word in this essay has reached its maximum level. Kidding! Hihi, Amidst the fact that I made a promise to my bestfriend that I'll be taking up AB-Journ with her, I put different courses as my frst choice in different application forms. Hah! So much for a future planner. 

And after all the mind-perplexing cogitating that I did, I have chosen this school and this course. Honestly, I was really clueless about Foreign Service... I do have common sense but my knowledge regarding the course is minimum, yet that was until I get to talk with this certain guide councilor. He described how diverse this college is! He even told me that it would be quite a lot of pressure on my shoulders because our soon-to-be professors are then ambassadors thus, they are highly-respected people... and I thought they were those species who seem scary and uncongenial, I just can't imagine myself face to face with such kind of people. The interview went fine and he said that I can handle this since he saw that this course fits me so well. So there, I've made up my mind and decided to pursue this. I was all giddy about it but of course, I'm scared because I'm expecting it to be difficult. Not just difficult, but bloody difficult which might lead to severe head banging drama and sleepless nights. Exaggerated, I know. Hence, there are fun things that I'm looking forward to like fieldtrips and festivals for example. Oh and, learning foreign languages! I am fascinated by such things plus I wanted to be multilingual. I know Filipino, English, Spanish from High School, and now I want to learn my lifelong dream - French. I've been so obsessed with it ever since. In accordance to that, I want to be a great speaker. But all in all, I'm just expecting it to be like High School, only harder.

I was never an expectant but I want to land a job in a prominent company after studying. Not just that, I also would want a job that suits my interest. Most importantly, I don't ever want to regret taking this course instead of the original plan. Hopefully in the future I'll say,"I regret nothing." 

It was so surreal that for the first time in my ten years of existence in the blogging realm, I was able to share my work with everyone who, surprisingly, gave positive feedback. My heart flutters every time I think that they were listening in awe with laughs and reactions and OH, THEY APPLAUDED! I don't know how I did it, but I am immensely happy. High five to my sixteen-year-old self for not putting my twenty-year-old self in shame. Huzzah! By the way, graduation is in four weeks! Just let that sink in.

With everything that happened, I came to figure out why throwbacks exist-- to make us feel in another way the emotions we felt otherwise back in the day.

Yearning

I want to feel something.

I want to be someone.

I want to be happy. I want to chase my dreams and live in them. I want to do it for the rest of my life. I don't want to be exhausted from work, I want exhaustingly blissful from doing what I love the most. I want to turn these dreams into reality.

I want to write. I want to have something published. I want it to be relevant, or better yet, a best-seller. I want to go back in time and take a chance on journalism or creative writing. I want to be a writer for the longest time. I want to be a writer.

I want to be melancholic. I want to feel sad from being rejected. I want to be frustrated so as to be motivated. I want to feel like I'm losing hope. I want to try out talking to God more fervently. I want to be stronger.

I want to be a genius. I want to be a diplomat. I want to be an ambassador. I want to travel the world while making a stand. I want to be the hero in the world of diplomacy. I want to be less indolent now and start involving myself. I want to belong.

I want to build a home. I want to be a wife, a mom. I want to fulfill him, I want him to be happy. I want to make love. I want to bear a child out of  love. I want us to be the best parents. I want them to be the best children, too. I want him to build a family with me.

I want to grow old with him. I want us to die together so we will never be grievous for missing each  other. I want to hold his wrinkled hand and kiss his wrinkled forehead. I want to spend my whole life with him.

I want things to be the way I want them to be.

If not, then, I just want to be happy by writing the greatest things about him. He's what I want and that all it takes.

"I Got Your Back" is Stupid

It's no surprise that the way things were handled this year is the same as then. Not that I'm "reverse bittering" (or am I?) though, but what happened is a sheer microcosm of the real world-- no more places for much deserving people, only for the ones who go through the infamous backer system.

If you don't know what "backer system" is, maybe it's about time you do. Definitelyfilipino.com in its article entitled "The “Backer Phenomenon” in Philippine Employment Process" mentioned that it is when interviewers prefer to look directly at the “referral” section of the applicant resume. They tend to scan it if there is someone you might know or had referred you to the company and if it does have, well, most of the time you’ll get hired a.s.a.p. Amazing, isn't it? Now you know the monstrosity that is employment in the PH, heh.

I personally loathe this process. It is not just because people could get their way easily sans hard work, but also because (much) deserving people were robbed with positions suited for their capability and probably, a chance to prove his worth and turn things 'round that might not just be a big help for him, but for the company as well. Sad as it could be, opportunists just use this to have an outstanding record and/or for their own political, social, and even sexual (lol) ambitions. I've seen how people close to me get things done by this one hell of a medium and all I can say is f. Vying for a position to have some place and status? Great, and you call yourself a leader? Just my two cents, I'd say it's pure bullshit. We all know that they're just after some nice piece of shit to add on their resumes, right? Fake. But really, do we need this?

I don't know, I sounded too harsh and activist-ish, and I am fully aware that man is by nature a political animal so...



...

Self, you are going to be mighty fine one day and this won't matter anymore. Promise. Pinky swear? Now move on and forget this 'cause this, right here, won't hinder even your wildest dreams.

Tied Together With A Smile

In lieu of the Taylor Swift Cornetto limited edition black forest / strawberry ice cream and Red Tour PH hints, I retold my lovelife through Taylor's songs! Can you feel the hype? I'm darn excited, I even hyperventilated earlier! See, I got inspired that I wrote an entry about her!!! Not entirely but still...this is unusual since I'm on an indefinite hiatus. Anyhoo, blah blah blah.

Here's to Our Friendship Gone Endship

Remember when we weren't outbitching each other through Facebook statuses? When we were just happy, not thinking about any competition? Oh, how about that time when neither of us would backstab each other? Uh huh, but do you remember when we're still friends?

Somewhere along the way, something went wrong. The back of my mind is telling me that you were to blame but then again, we have our faults too. It was both our fault. We drifted and no one is to blame. It was our decision, and it was your decision to be someone we never thought you were. It's pretty crazy really, how we went from almost sisters to annoying blisters. Tsk. Gosh, y'all have no idea how I want to slit your throat. Haha, kidding but half-meant.

I've been missing you all, though. All those crazy chikahan moments, our not-so-out-of-town trips, our bonding moments, everything! Nostalgia kicks in everytime I think of it. While I'm pretty sure that we won't go back to what we were anytime now, let's just use this pace to move on and seek inner peace and maybe, in time, get back to being the closest of friends. The friendship was awesome and I sure want to have it back.

I, Vomiting Words

Have you ever been so immensely frustrated?

...

Well, I did. Or I do. I can't write and I don't know why is that. It has been the source of my (super slight) depression lately for I can't seem to weave words the way I used to-- like I finally rusted or something, and that I consider a nightmare. What's worse is that it's been going on for months and I can't find a remedy to my predicament. I don't know, it looks to me like this: I. Am. Doomed.

Or not. Whatever. The past semester in school required a lot of researching, analyzing, and of course, writing. Most of the time, I'd get grades not higher than 90... okay, 88, and it undoubtedly made me doubt if I could actually write or not... and I'm starting to think not because all signs point to NO. Argh. Considering that I'm "the writer", the one with the most experience, the one who writes well... where did I lose it? My driving force when it comes to writing? I haven't even typed an awesome sentence in this one hell of a post about how-I-can't-write-anymore! This is driving me insane, sad, worried, and every little thing that won't suffice to this whole starting-to-suck dilemma. I'm starting to believe that I'm losing it and I'm nowhere near reclaiming it. I... I guess I failed.

I am staying positive though. Note to self: One day, you will write better than you did, better than anybody else did. One day. Now all I need is something to keep me going and eventually, to lead me back on track. I just hope I find it soon or I might consider slitting my throat if this goes on. Kidding! Alongside, I am hopeful that this blog will be back in its tiptop shape. Soon. And hopeful!

RelationSHIT?

Everybody has that friend whose Facebook relationship status went from single to in a relationship, to single again when they're in the middle of a lover's quarrel, and the moment they're good they'd revert to in a relationship. After which, the cycle would repeat... to the extent that you'd lose sympathy for them. Hah.

Entering a relationship taught me that misunderstandings aren't really avoidable. Opinions would clash and unlikely things would happen but at the end of the day, mistakes will be forgiven and you'll learn what and what not to do. Now, is it really necessary to "break-up" or change statuses while being involved in LQs? Ah, I beg to disagree. That is because 1.) it's like you're involving everyone else in a "thing" that's supposed to be between two people ONLY, and 2.) because, no one actually cares. To tell you frankly, not all of the people who asks you "why?" aren't really concerned. They're just obnoxious people who wants gossip. Trust me, I can be one of those so I know how it works. The best advice I could probably give you is to keep your quarreling posts to yourselves. Can you? Pretty please? It annoys netizens who came to the internet to not witness your drama.

R and I fight, too. Lucky me though, because breaking up is never an option for us and when we almost do, we'll start saying sorry to each other while claiming the blame. Yes, we swallow our prides. We don't do "press releases"; which means we don't printscreen and post (supposed to be) private messages on each other's walls. I just tweet subtly which drives him crazy! LOL. We respect each other. We never gave up on this and we'll never do. Don't ask why, we all know why. I've got an awesome relationship right here and yes, it's something to brag about. Envy yet? You should be.

On, off, on, off goes your relationship. Better break-up, then?

Regrets

"Hey!"
"Yeah?"
"Nothing."
"What?"
"I love you, good night!"
"Hah! Go to sleep already!"
"You too!"
"In a bit. Night, bui!"
"Sweet dreams!"



She can't help but back read--
Convos from three months and a week.
With her eyes shedding tears,
And a wish that someone would wipe her cheeks.

"Things changed,"
She told herself
"Since when?"
She'd kill for the answer.

"If I held his hand too,
Or hug him back,
Or let him fall asleep in my shoulders,
Would things be the way they were?"

"If I hadn't told him about how my dream guy should be like,
Or my oh-so-perfect crush,
Or even about how unthinkable our relationship could be,
Would I still be this regretful?"

She filled her head with endless questions--
Questions she's been dying to ask him.
And what does she hope for?
Answers that might save her from this sea of sadness.

Wanted: Assurance

Somebody made a promise...

... As usual, that promise came from someone whose existence I treasure a lot, and I'm just waiting for him to break it so I could hate him forever.

Neeehhh, I kid. But there's a voice inside me screaming "He's just a cliffhanger, everything he said was a lie, you'll be left heartbroken eventually."

Well, I sure hope that I'm just overthinking. It kills, I know, but I can't help it! But if we'll look on the brighter note, at least these hopes weren't raised so I won't get disappointed and cry. Yeah.

D'aw, I can't explain why I'm feeling this way. It seems so wrong... so inappropriate! He's inappropriate alright, but this thing that's happening... it's more inappropriate than that. And ugh, I raped the word "inappropriate", I think could go on without using that word for the rest of this post. Heeee.

We've reached the part where I'd end this post without knowing how to. Anyway, whatever. Let's just hope that my little heart won't get shattered soon 'cause I won't be able to take another heartbreak just yet.

Writing Sleepy

I swear, if provoked to the fullest, I might consider the unthinkable. But kidding aside, I think I already do... Or not. Whatever! Just the thought of it makes me want to slash my wrist or shoot myself in the head. Aaaccckkkk. This can't be happening!

I blame my friends for this insanity. I know I got rid of this feeling, but it's starting to rear its misleading face again! Lol, what for? It was never serious anyway. It's all fun and games, feelings are excluded-- or rather, I'm trying to exclude my feelings. I'm weak, I can't do this all by myself. I'm afraid I might fall without knowing it. You know how much I can't afford to have another heartbreak this time... and there you go, I started stroking on my sentences 'cause I know I'll hate myself in the future if I found out that I typed those. Not to mention, it's all I that could think about lately. Ewww, social suicide. I'm hating myself now. I'm not assuming though.

Now how about my dear "yonder-er"? Two weeks had passed since I met him, to where we ran low on sparks I guess. I didn't felt a thing or two and it's a bit questionable. Nehhh, but at least I knew that it's not the real deal. Don't get me wrong though, everything that I wrote back in summer came from the heart. He's the guy, he's perfect. He's all that I wanted. If I'm going to like anyone, it would be him. Oh and, he's the reason why I didn't get any grade lower than 80 during the prelims. He was my inspiration! (Heart, hearts all over)

Let's get this over with. I can't fall and that's final. Why? Because I have to fall for *, not **.

...Yeah, but you can't make your heart feel something it won't. Am I right?

Word Vomit (Not)

I wanted to talk to you,

give you a nice birthday greeting too--

but I'm scared it might creep you,

so I didn't bother to.

...

And that's a portion of the "faux-m" I did on a no-assignment rest day. Teeheeheehee.

Hey, you guys. It's June 27 and qwertyuiop asdfghjkl zxcvbnm. Waaah. I'm running out of words to say! This feeling comes only when I write about you-know-who. It's his ---, if I'm not mistaken. Heee. You know that I always get blank whenever I talk about "this guy" on my posts. For some reasons, he's making me speechless! Like for example; this post. I thought I'll reach the 10-paragraph mark! But as expected, I didn't.

Anyway, it's that time of the year! And sadly, I can't post anything but subtle tweets about it. Wankers. Thank God I have this blog! I have another way to spill. Unfortunately though, I'm not prepared and I don't know what to say. So... yeah. Happy Birthday! I wish I could greet you. And hug (slash PBB Teens) you. Lol, just kidding. But I'm hoping you had a nice one though! Hang on, we'll meet soon! And drift apart forever I guess. But whatever happens, I swear I'll forever be enchanted. Happy Birthdaaaayyyy!!!

Looks Like I'm Finally Awake

This must be God's way of telling me that moving on is the best thing I ever did.

For imbecile reasons, I woke up disappointed today. My dreams, my oh-so vivid dreams... For a moment there, I thought it was real. I could still remember every bit of him in that moment --gray shirt, gray shorts, his bright orange backpack which he carries along wherever he goes, his face, his sincerity, the way he apologized, and how he put his arms around me-- my weakness then, actually. And it's all in one dream.

I wonder, would you call it a dream when everything felt so real? When you know it was there, just merely existing the whole time? Sigh. If you were in my place, I know you'd feel the same. In that surreal moment, it felt like time warped me in some place where I'm obliged to feel every emotion I know I've gotten rid of. Oh and, did I mention that it made me feel bad? It did, and I have to feel that way the whole day. It sucks, FYI. It made me feel the pain all over again.

I'm not disappointed because we'll never work out, I'm disappointed 'cause everything I dreamed of that night won't happen in reality. It's not that I want him to get mushy with me or whatever, all I ever wanted was for him to say sorry. The problem is, he's too busy to notice that he was the reason behind all the pain I felt during the past few months. I usually ask myself if he haven't noticed, but I think I know the answer all along. And it's a big fat no for that matter 'cause I figured that he'd rather be with other girls than care for my feelings. Oh well. Looks like some things are better off the way I won't want them to be. Who knows? If he happened to be my *ehem* boyfriend *ehem*, he might have done something worse, right?

Today marks the 41st month of liking him-- if I never stopped, that is. Truth be told, but I don't really miss him. If not for this dream - slash - nightmare last night then I'd totally forgot that he exists. Boom, auto reminisce mode was activated. The one I had on February 24 was a good cry. It didn't just made me feel better, it also ignited that I should really move on 'cause he'll never like me whatever I do. I've accepted the fact and I feel better now.

Blaaaahhhh, here goes another nonsensical post about how pitiful my lovelife is.

Who Said "Single Is Sexy"?

I can't wait to be loved.

Good morning messages, late night conversations, holding hands, cuddling, crazy photo opportunities, serenades, dance partner, Valentine's date, Mondate, Tuesdate, Wednesdate, Every date of the week, exchange gifts, anniversaries, bringing you home just to make sure you're safe, meet-the-parents moments, unexpected visits when you're sick, food delivery from your beloved delivery boy, kisses on the hand, cheeks, and "there"... God knows how I want you all so bad.

I've been single all my life-- I don't know how it feels like to be missed by that person you love, or how electrifying a kiss is. I know, I'm turning 18 soon and I'm still loveless. Just... aw. Am I not pretty enough or I just don't deserve to be loved? It's getting kind of frustrating you know. It doesn't mean that I'm rushing things though, I just want to feel that certain "spark" they've been telling me about.

I'm still okay with being single however, there are times that I feel incredibly lonely and I badly need a companion. My friends have their own lives and they're usually busy with school, I'm pretty sure that this is less important than their studies so... I just keep these things to myself. Oh, and I blog. At least. Heh, but it's still not the same if you have someone who will listen to your endless (and sometimes, senseless) rants and he'll do everything to turn your frown upside down. Wooh.

Currently, I'm still waiting for that someone and... he'll get to read this soon and tell me that "You found him! And he loves you so much. *kisses my forehead*" Argh, cheeseballs.

Pursuit for Happiness

Being unbearably sad can be so tiring...

Or not. Perhaps I'm so used to it that I don't even know what's happy and what's sad anymore.

I've been trying so hard to get rid of this feeling, but it turns out that the most unwanted things are the hardest to get rid of. They just keep on coming back and they get worse once you try to get rid of them, leaving you no choice but to accept the fact that they're here to stay. No one knows until when, but it will surely go.

...And in time, this too shall pass. Maybe not sooner, but I'm willing to wait. At some point, I saw my life as something incredibly horrible. But then I to realized that at least, it's not as horrible as what others' have. In fact, I have a lot to be thankful for! I have a complete family, an incredible circle of friends, material things that some people wish for, and certain things I consider as blessings -- blessing that would always alleviate the pain I'm constantly feeling. 

And that's the point where I feel better; when I'm happy and contented. This may not be my day, my week, or even my year! But one day, my life will turn a complete 360 degrees and I'll be the happiest person ever. Mark my words! A little sadness can be equated to a whole lot of happiness. Keeping the faith!

You might think I'm bulletproof, but I'm not

I'd like to believe that he did nothing wrong... that he didn't lead me on, that he never lied, that I shouldn't be mad at him, but it turns out that I'm just fooling myself.

I guess it's been eons since the last time I cried this hard. Mind you, I don't usually cry but when I do, it's because I can't take the pain anymore. I don't normally show that I'm sad because I never wanted to be the mood killer, but there's just something today that made me burst into an emotional breakdown.

Earlier, I wasn't able to contain myself. Apparently, the news I heard the night before was so timely because today, 24th of February, marks one year after I fell into the "trap" A.K.A. "the sweetest lies". Which means that a year had passed since the motive went from being subtle to extreme. I couldn't deny the fact that I'm happy all because of one person, and that one person was the one I've been wishing for ever since God knows when. Should I retell the part where I fell head over heels for him over and over again when he said "Pag nagselos ka uli break na tayo?" after I didn't spoke to him for days? Ok, no. But there you go, I wish you see what I did there.

Back to the news. I just overheard what happened to him and his recent breakup. For Cries' sake, I learned that she broke up just because she thinks that the sparks have flown away. Sweet cheesus. Okay, lemme see. 6 months, and he spoiled her with everything, SMS-ed her sweet messages before she goes to sleep and before she wakes up, fetch her from school despite the fact that he doesn't live in Malabon anymore, and blah, and blah, and blah, things I wish he did to me, but never happened. In fact, he does the contrary when it comes to me. But how come I still care for him? Almost 3 years, I know I shouldn't be hurting but I did. I even cried. It's because I came to realize that I haven't done anything to hurt him yet she was chosen instead of me. I've always been here, but instead he ventured away. She hurt him and I have never thought of doing that. This and that, compare and contrast, I figured that I could never change his decision. He wanted it, now he's hurting. I want to think that karma's hitting on him but it seems like I'm feeling his pain as well. Ugh. Can somebody bitchslap me? I need to get back to my normal self. And I need to forget about this crap, for cries' sake, I can't wait to get over this.

Dealing with a heart that I didn't break;

I'll be there for you,

I will care for you,

I keep thinking, you just don't know.

Life and its surprises

I have loved, got hurt, and forsworn that I would never love again but as usual, the aforementioned are remnants of my broken vows. As I see it, love is too complex for my life and probably it's the same reason why I'm still single.

Speaking of complexity, I think I'm doing the stupidest thing ever... and I'm not going to mention anything much about it, yet, but I'll give a slight hint about it. Talk about love! And "strangers". And the fact that I think it's wrong unless it's for someone popular. Neeeeehhhh, but it's just awfully retarded that I'm starting to think that something must be wrong with myself. Urgh, the actual fuckery and all things sane. Why is this happening to my life? How come I'm thinking of him? I don't have any clue but I guess I must thank the Heavens above for giving me a reason to barf rainbows.

I don't know if it's just taking a while or...

My life seems to be more melancholic as each day passes. I can't help but feel like everything's against me and I'm not destined for happiness. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not, but this too shall pass and I'll always be here patiently waiting for what life has in store for me. But normally, I would fret about how unruly and recalcitrant my hair is, would secretly be envious that my friends have this and that and I don't, would (still) be angry about how we didn't end up together, and sulk that I can't have the life that I had. It just sucks knowing that the contrary won't amaze me any sooner. It's just disappointing.

Despite everything that's happening right now, I am still holding on to the fact that someday, somehow, everything that upsets me now will all be gone and I'll be superbly happy once again. It might be taking a while, but I know it's going to be worth the wait. I hope God will see a single good deed I've done in the past and he'll reward me for that. Ha! But I'm not saying that he's never been good to me, I just sort of need something that seems to be cherries on top of this whole commotion of a sundae.

It will all be worth it in the end, I promise. And this blog will grow further, you'll see!

Wonderstruck, Heart Got Arrow Struck

So there's this boy, and my smile would be in tow if he'll go. I write things about him and I keep them all to myself. I think I like him for 3 months now, and in those months are days of uncertainty cause I think I might have gone from crushing on him to another level. I know it can't be that snappy, but I can really feel it. It's so intense that it's burning me up. I can't do anything to help myself. I can't stop it. But I'll try to... all just because he'll be gone in a few.

If only I have the guts, I'll ask him to stay. He makes me look forward to another school day. He's the reason why I study hard. He's my inspiration -- the kind of inspiration I thought of Jem. I may have shown less admiration and too much subtle hints but I badly wanted to talk to him. Terribly. I'd give up things just to talk to him. Sigh.

Secretly ogling at his back, the crush look away reflex, smiling at each other, accidental looks -- some of the things I'll definitely miss. We might have gone a short way but these little achievements meant a lot to me. I'll regret every single opportunity I missed and cringe about how stupid I was for being shy. I'll miss him, I'll miss him even if he doesn't know that I'll miss him. I loved him for 3 months, and I'll love him for a million more.

All that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss

I hate that you have to pop in my mind sometimes.

I hate that sometimes it makes me melancholic to the point that it'll send me to the brink of crying.

I hate that I have to feel that way when I know for a fact that I've gone forth.

I regret nothing actually, and I don't regret loving you so dearly. Those were one of the best moments ever. It was good while it lasted, and it hurts that it has to end. I can't help but say "that should  be me..." whenever I see you do stuffs with your girlfriend that I wish you did with me. I know you bought her a pony plushie; but do you remember when you'd playfully call me pony and I'll call you nose? That just made me think that perhaps it reminds you of me. Kidding.

I hate that I have to come up with this just so I the pain would alleviate. You know, this should come to a screeching halt. I'm starting to look pitiful again. Sigh.