Of Old Habits and the New Normal

I came to the conclusion that if you’re here, it’s probably because I posted a cryptic Instagram story of my blog page and you know what it means as one of my trusted friends, oooorrrr you stumbled upon my Instagram page and clicked the link that I added in my bio. Eitherway, I know we’ve both got nothing good to do so here you are, marveling at the output of my faux productivity. Blah blah blah, welcome to the cyber loft!

To be honest, the welcome was unnecessary.

Supposedly, today is the end of the lockdown but due to circumstances that would probably kill us [alongside our government's incompetence], it was extended for another 15 days thus, further tormenting my overthinking mind. Though I am in favor of it, I can't help but still be anxious because medical solutions are continuously being overlooked by the clowns in power. #SolusyongMedikalHindiMilitar. Also, the double standards being exhibited in handling quarantine violations angers me. So far, someone has been shot to death and another has been mauled while our government officials who did worse than them gets compassion. Ignorance of the law excuses no one, we know that, but if these nonchalant pigs who are supposed to be exemplary are being excused, then my faith in this government remains intangible.

Work from home has been less serious on my end, if I may say. We aren't needed as much as everyone else (YET! *knocks on wood*) as of this time-being and for some reason, it's driving me crazy. For context, y'all know that I always have the urge to compete-- I feel like I should always do things better than anyone else and/or emerge on top, however, I don't feel like being productive in the middle of the pandemic since my mind is already preoccupied with shitload of things. Awhile back, my manager commended me, saying it's good that I've been setting standards for myself. I don't know if I should believe her still because recently, these standards have been giving me anxiety attacks for fear that I might be underperforming and my work-related growth will be hindered. Again, this is on me and my constant need for recognition-induced validation. Yeah, fuck me alright, maybe I should take a chill pill.

With all these in my mind, maybe you're wondering, how do I cope?

For starters, I binge-watch everything that I can.

From vlogs to series, I skip from one title to another because having something to divert my feelings to eases me. Everytime I need a good laugh, I'd just pop Filthy Frank's or Team Payaman's channels on YouTube for quality comedic content that will surely leave your guts hurting. I'd also watch lifestyle vlogs and feel bad that I'm poor. Kidding! But I love watching designer hauls and shoe & bag collections. Also, I tune in to Good Times for my weekly dose of laughter, care of my favorite DJs from Magic. All thanks to their intellectual and humorous opinions regarding random, mundane topics, I am entertained just before dozing off. Time and again, I've proven that I'm a huge slacker when it comes to watching series but I've managed to watch all 5 seasons of Peaky Blinders! Its historic references is what probably got me but Tommy Shelby and Polly Gray's brilliant minds got me hooked. I've watched light binges as well such as Never Have I Ever and Too Hot to Handle just to maximize my money's worth on subscription. Ok, now, what do I watch next? Hmm.

I style.

Virtually, that is, since all I could do with my clothes now is to wash and fold them. Years ago, I would spend hours in Polyvore curating outfits that I wish to wear in occasions that I made up in my mind. Such a shame that the site shutdown last year and I had no idea! I wasn't able to backup my sets and now it's gone forever. 😞 Desperate, I looked for an alternative... and found Urstyle! And believe it or not, they were the owners of Polyvore! I couldn't be happier. Peep some of my sets below!

I pig out.

Ok, I think everyone's been pigging out because what is left for us to do? Lucky me, my mom has awesome cooking skills and she cooks everything I'd request! She'd gladly cook for me to the point that finally, I gained weight. Yes, you read that right! Although I've yet to confirm how heavy my gains are, I can tell that I finally fit in my clothes and I can hang my belts now! 😂

I write.

You know I would include this, it has to be here. Anyway, I brought my planner home and I would still write on it weekly as if my plans weren't affected by the pandemic. Aside from that, of course I've been drafting and blogging. No more explanations here because I did a lengthy one in my previous blog! Read if you're interested.

This is not what I would write on a daily basis. This is me pretending to write something while in a conference call.

I catch-up with my loved ones.

One of the few good things that this fiasco has brought us is our sudden need for connection. I heard a lot of you started talking to their exes, eh? Welp, I hope you don't get burned by the same flame twice. And as for me, your one-man woman, I've only reconnected with old cliques so far. Yeah, as if I have an ex to reconcile with. Anyway, a meet up has been set and I can't wait for it to happen soon! Errr, but right now, let's stick with our online parties since gatherings are still prohibited. Law-abiding citizens, baby!

Sometime this summer, I officially became a member of my boyf's fam's cousins only group chat HAHA

I shop.

Not gonna lie, retail therapy does soothe your nerves in a way. It's the chamomile tea for shopaholics whose hands are tingling! LMAO. Okay, just to clear things up, I am in no way an impulsive buyer. All those that I added to my cart are either within my budget or Ralph has offered to pay. HAHAHAHAAHA! But yeah, I hate to admit, but I love the feeling. Looking forward to have your order in your hands? The convenience of shopping everything and anything within your home? Having all the time in the world to decide which one to buy without a sales person judging you? Hallelujah! Thank God for online shopping.

Believe me, I needed all of this

I doll up.

I thought I was the only one but I came across this popular tweet where some people have agreed (with the tweet-er) that they feel a taste of normalcy by getting glammed up. I've been a bum since the start of this lockdown which means, I haven't dolled up in a really long time. Feeling myself from time to time sure does lift my spirits up for a bit... in fact, you should check my camera roll, I took a lot of selfies.

My new favorite selfie

As much as I love updating this thing and the unusual influx of creative juice, I'm still bummed that I am not in some villa by the beach up north having a good time with my work bestfriends. Yep, I have a supposed out of town trip to La Union and of course it didn't happen because of the pandemic.

Sigh. I can't wait for the day that this is all over.

Writing in 2020 for Your Resident Writer

It's 3 AM-ish and I’m feeling nostalgic.  

The last time I consistently slept at midnight was in college— some nights were dedicated for school and most were for my musings. Either I’m writing or I’m typing, it always has to be at par with what my mind is blurting otherwise, I’d be frustrated for not being able to properly convey my feelings in the way I am most familiar with. 

 And I can’t believe I am doing it again years later.

Writing has always been my sanctuary. For some reason, it kept me sane. It was the only self-expression I'm probably capable of that I've had entries for my blissful, gloomy, shattered, smitten, and whatever-you-can-think-of days. I could still remember the gush when a topic would suddenly pop in my head as I'm busy with something, or when I'd weave a good sentence out of nowhere and I'd frantically draft it in my primitive phone so I could incorporate it in whatever I'm going to write about later on. At that time, it was very liberating for me to produce write-ups out of my introspection especially because I had no one to talk to and I was told that I write quite well. Although my fastidious self would struggle curating my stories from time to time, it helped me hone my craft while enjoying it. Clicking the "Publish" button would always make me happy as well as having positive feedback from people who came here to read. It was probably my peak? 

Now, it's more of an achievement. My post count dipped and I'm really saddened that I haven't moved on from my massive writer's block. A lot has happened since those sleepless nights and I haven't written anything about them yet all because I can't put stories into words like I used to. Oh, and work kept me busy that I think one or two entries a year would suffice. Again, I am a perfectionist and I can't even surpass my own standards. Guess I'm the problem, eh?

Or maybe this year, I can be better. I hope I can be better.

Sundays Currently III

This Sunday, I am currently...

READING

My previous posts. I am trying to inspire myself by looking back at how creative I was. I'm not sure if this would regenerate my creative juice flow but look, this is my second write-up for the year already! Not bad for someone who only made 2 entries for the year prior.

WRITING

My third Sundays Currently in the hopes of reviving this blog. I swear, I've been trying to write again. I know I've been saying the exact same line every year but ever since my work BFF found out that I was a "writer" and read some of my previous entries, he started pushing me to continue my childhood passion. I initially thought it was a good idea, but my wary self held back and thought it might be too late for me. It may or may not be, but I'm not gonna lie-- he really got me up and writing again that the Notes app in my phone is teeming with drafts! And I might just share them with you if I could make a masterpiece out of them.

LISTENING

NIKI has been my go-to artist for a few months now! When I started listening to her, I am more inclined towards her upbeat, dance-y tunes but lately I have been listening to her acoustic covers lost somewhere in YouTube. Do me a favor and listen to her version of Honeymoon Avenue!

THINKING

About this pandemic. In case you've been sleeping under a rock, the world is in a global crisis brought about by a certain coronavirus. Google it up for further explanations because I won't be doing any (lol) but you should know that shit is real since it has claimed a thousand lives already and it's causing a(n impeding) global recession. I am seriously anxious about it as much as I'm anxious that I am not delivering well enough to my manager. Uhmmm, people pleaser Jowi, you might want to take a rest?

SMELLING

The upcoming revolution. See you on the streets.

WISHING

That this crisis will be over soon. Everyone is sure that behaviors will change along with the demise of the pandemic but right now, it's bringing out the best and the worst in humanity and I am both amused and angered at the same time. I also wish that people will be more empathetic in these trying times. 

HOPING

Once this is over and everyone is well, I hope things fall into place for me.

WEARING

This nice satin PJ set... Kidding! I have no one to impress at home so I just donned my Elmo duster that I've been wearing since I was 12.

LOVING

The late night calls Ralph and I are having. We haven't seen each other for weeks and my anxiety has gone through the roof. It's the only thing that has been keeping me sane lately.

WANTING

As introvert as can be, being in my personal space gives me life but lately, I'VE BEEN WANTING TO GO OUT! Maybe this is not the ideal time but I really miss planning my outfits, doing my makeup, eating out, going to work (workaholic spotted), hanging out with my friends, dating my boyfriend, yadda yadda, I could go on, really, but the bottomline is I just miss going out and this is driving me nuts. I suddenly want to regret all the times I ditched an invite. 

NEEDING

I need to make a decision. I found myself watching curly hair transformation vlogs lately and I've been dying to grow my natural hair since. Should I do it? I have been chemically straight for half my life and if my tresses could talk I bet they'll be thanking me if I go natural.

FEELING

A tad bit lonely with what is happening to the world and whole lot of pissed with how this government is handling this crisis. AND I MISS RALPH.

Hey,

It’s been a while since I penned something personal here. I mean, everything I’ve written here is personal, it’s just that I think I haven’t written anything that’s not structured, poem-like, or letter-like for the longest time. A diary kinda write-up, that is.

Like it matters.

Anyway, I missed blogging like this! I can’t even remember the last time I came here to just randomly vent without overanalyzing what everyone would say when they stumble upon this rabbit hole. I know, I know, it's not like I have a lot of readers, but my adult self won't advertise her blog like she did back in the day. 

Hmmm, maybe I spilled a thing or two about this to some friends but I only gave the link to the person I trust the most. And I'm glad I did just that, 'cause I backread and halfway through doing so, I was cringing at some of  the things I've written here! Well, some made me proud though, but what would they say if they get their hands on this? 

Welp, there is nothing new to show anyway... 

Until today, that is! Three months into the year and here I am trying to revamp this entire thing. Usually, the urge comes later in the year but due to incessant boredom, I found myself in the process of editing the template (as in how this blog looks) but I hated the resolution of the images in my output so I've decided to just halt the entire renovation thing until I find out the reason. Man, I was really looking forward to a more minimalist look, though! I've gotten really tired of the princess-y pink themes I stuck with through the years and this new one I came up with is more matured as it fits my current aesthetic. And age.

I am now 25! Older, wiser, but more emotional and more empathetic, probably.

Before the year started, one of my best buds asked what I wanted for the incoming year-- I told him, I wish everything would fall into place for me. I've always stated in this cyber outlet how things were never in my favor and, surprise! They still aren't, up to this day. But don't worry. I'm still your persistent baby girl who believes that working hard... still won't get you there. LOL. This is the second time this happened to me. This feeling's familiar already, I should know how to react, but no, I can't help but succumb to my feelings. No one is to blame, just me and my thirst for recognition-induced validation. Do me a favor and tell me this isn't bad and things will be alright.

You might be wondering, why does it seem like have a lot of time in my hands? Well, how can I forget? We are on a community lockdown and we're not allowed to go out. This is the government's effort to reduce a pandemic, minus the mass testing. Stupid, I know.

I am an introvert and staying at home is starting to bore the hell out of me! For real, I already miss going outside and that's unusual because those words never mixed in my vocabulary. Okay, maybe I just miss the boyfriend badly.

Years from now, my nostalgic ass would re-read parts of this blog (I should know, I have been doing that) and remember how all of this made me feel. I should be enraged reading this by then but I wish I should also be relieved by that time because I really hope that things would be better when the time comes. Crossing my fingers!

P.S.: I'm sorry for how bad and random this turned out.