Twenty-Eleven

The year was very tough for me. And I'm glad that I'm tougher.

I've cried buckets of tears this year. I'm not saying that 2011 was bad but this is the year that I cried, got hurt, and felt unimportant for oh so many times. I know it sounds bad but now I'm glad that it's over.

Dangerous traps are set for me, I knew it, but I still fall for it everytime. Sure it made me sad, but at least even for a while it made me happy. I followed my heart without any doubt that I might get hurt. It was a brave act, if I may say. And I'm proud of myself for being that carefree and happy.

All of these things are complemented by awesome new experiences and a brand new set of legit  friends. I'm thankful for them! They sufficed the absence of my highschool friends and they were just as great as them. I just hope that we'll continue being awesome on 2012. Yay!

I hope the incoming year will be greater than 2011. All I can say is 2011 really brought it and it feels great that I have gotten over the pain. And now it's time to say goodbye and welcome 2012. Huzzah!

Wonderstruck, Heart Got Arrow Struck

So there's this boy, and my smile would be in tow if he'll go. I write things about him and I keep them all to myself. I think I like him for 3 months now, and in those months are days of uncertainty cause I think I might have gone from crushing on him to another level. I know it can't be that snappy, but I can really feel it. It's so intense that it's burning me up. I can't do anything to help myself. I can't stop it. But I'll try to... all just because he'll be gone in a few.

If only I have the guts, I'll ask him to stay. He makes me look forward to another school day. He's the reason why I study hard. He's my inspiration -- the kind of inspiration I thought of Jem. I may have shown less admiration and too much subtle hints but I badly wanted to talk to him. Terribly. I'd give up things just to talk to him. Sigh.

Secretly ogling at his back, the crush look away reflex, smiling at each other, accidental looks -- some of the things I'll definitely miss. We might have gone a short way but these little achievements meant a lot to me. I'll regret every single opportunity I missed and cringe about how stupid I was for being shy. I'll miss him, I'll miss him even if he doesn't know that I'll miss him. I loved him for 3 months, and I'll love him for a million more.

"Will this matter a year from now?"

DECEMBER 14, 2010; The unluckiest, most euphoric day of the year that was. Know what happened? 1.) My shoe broke on my way to school, 2.) I left my exam permit and project at home, and 3.) Lots of other ditty mishaps went on my way but I couldn't remember them. But just when I thought that that kind of luck will go on the whole day, something unexpected happened. Well, I know he was just stressing the fact but... haha, he told me I was pretty. He told me I was pretty and my heart spun. He told me I was pretty just when I thought that nothing will ever go right and I needed something to be happy about. He told me I was pretty just because. He told me I was pretty and I swear, every annoying feeling was gone immediately. It was like being on cloud nine! I even mentioned that I don't want that day to end.

DECEMBER 14, 2011; The most nostalgic day of the year, if I may say. Though I moved on, a pint of sadness pricked me. Worst, it came with thoughts of everything that happened a year ago. I was even hoping that I'll see him by chance! Oh I don't know, maybe I'd just; PLAN A: Greet him, or PLAN B: Ignore and show that I don't know him. Blaaahhhh. I miss everything that happened a year ago! I miss it, I miss it so bad, and I was force to reminisce.

Right now, I only have two wishes -- that he'll notice that I haven't greeted him yet and that he'll feel sad for that.

When life throws you lemons...

Catch it and make a lemonade out of it. Sell it, even.

For an optimist like yours truly, I believe that the statement above makes sense. For me it's trying to convey that when someone said mean things to you or did something that scarred your ego, you should go on and take what he have said or done as a challenge to be a better person. You should never sympathize and succumb... ok, that will do a for a few moments but after it, you should grow and go forth instead. It's how life is. People will push you over and it's up to you on how you should take it. As for myself, I'd rather just do something to prove them wrong cause I know for a fact that I'm awesome and I can defy their negative views.

And here I am trying to motivate myself.

"Gusto Mo?"

Crazy Little Thing Called Love. I just feel so Nam-ish when he asked me to get some of his food. Hahaha! Remember when Shone gave her mangoes? Oh that's it. That's what I'm talking about. It's somehow the same but not really. Harharhar. But he's perfect and I suck, then I think I should study harder so I'd suffice. Lol. I wouldn't want to pattern my lovelife to anything, I know there's something way better just in store for me. Anyhoo, the 14th is coming in 5 days, I hope nothing goes right. Hihi, jk! Hi, I just passed by just to update this blog. ♥

All that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss

I hate that you have to pop in my mind sometimes.

I hate that sometimes it makes me melancholic to the point that it'll send me to the brink of crying.

I hate that I have to feel that way when I know for a fact that I've gone forth.

I regret nothing actually, and I don't regret loving you so dearly. Those were one of the best moments ever. It was good while it lasted, and it hurts that it has to end. I can't help but say "that should  be me..." whenever I see you do stuffs with your girlfriend that I wish you did with me. I know you bought her a pony plushie; but do you remember when you'd playfully call me pony and I'll call you nose? That just made me think that perhaps it reminds you of me. Kidding.

I hate that I have to come up with this just so I the pain would alleviate. You know, this should come to a screeching halt. I'm starting to look pitiful again. Sigh.

Rumor has it she ain't got your love anymore

Let me start by saying that I don't intend to be bitter and this happened once and it might not occur again so excuse this post and God Bless my soul.

Out of curiosity, I checked his (ex) girlfriend's Facebook profile a few days ago. It seemed weird because her "In a Relationship" status wasn't there and their pictures together were deleted. I hypothesized, "Did they broke up?" Did they? Or they didn't? Just when I was about to jump into conclusions...

The day after, I confirmed the news. They did broke up. They really did. And that's the reason why my ever revengeful self tweeted "Weh? Anu yan? Break Na? PARRRTTTYYYY!!! At hindi dahil single ka na, dahil mas wasted ka pa sakin. HAHAHAHA, LOSER!!!" Ha! I know I sound mean, but actually I'm happy because the reality that I wanted is finally happening. Harharhar. But like what I said, it's not because I still love him or whatever, but because he's just as hurt as I was a few months ago. I think it's safe to say that it's not just we're even, but justice is served.

I don't know how filthy his intentions were but let me just rub it in his face that I have gone forth and nobody's left to comfort him. Oh and, that's an awesome birthday - slash - Christmas gift. xx!

Wonderstruck

So there's this boy, and the way he smile makes me smile. He makes me conscious and nervous, but I like it when he's around. His laugh is just as cute as his smile, especially when it's my jokes that he's laughing at. Oh and, did I mention that I melt everytime his eyes meet mine? It's just so surreal that I can't stop myself from caving in. *Heavenly sigh* He's just another reason why I look forward to school every single day. He bid me goodbye once, but it played in my head for a thousand times. He's my sort of inspiration, he's the reason why I try my very best to look less embarrassing, he's someone I won't allow to see me being caught off guard. He makes me cheesy in a way that I think it's corny. That's dangerous. It's one surefire sign of saying that I'm pretty much infatuated. So there's this boy, and I think I like him.

And she speaks...

I've been blogging for years now. 5 years if my memory serves me right. The first one is actually on Friendster Blogs with the domain "o0ojoano0o". I know, it's shameful. But what's more shameful is the fact that I post in sticky caps. HAHAHAHAHA, it sure is jeje but I have avid avid readers and they love my blog! Then I moved to "joannepauline04" on Multiply. I think I improved there. It was active during my "Ms. Essayist" days and quite a number of people are always tuned in. I was a blabbermouth and I post a lot, one time I even got in serious trouble! Boo myself for netiquette ignorance. A year of activeness went, then a Tumblr account of the same name was born. Good thing it's changeable so from there it became "jowideep", "jowibleedstherainbow", and currently it's "thebabblemachine". At some point I even changed it to "asdfghjoannexoxo" and "the-babble-machine" so stalkers - slash - enemies won't find out what I post about them. Ha! But now it's fixed, TBM 'til who knows when. I also have my share of abandoned blogs! And most of it are on Blogger. Currently existing is "joannelalim" which has posts about stuffs I share in full details and things I could never ever forget. Yes, this! It's more personal, I think. But my private blog is the most personal of all! Uh uh, don't get excited just yet. It's password-protected and there's no way I'll ever show it to the world. Yeah!

I've really learnt a lot from blogging. Aside from netiquettes, I have to consider proper grammar. My way with words enhanced , and even my vocabulary! I know bloggers who speak English fluently and I check their blog for inspiration. Basically, I learnt, learn, and will be learning from them. Not the stalker type, though! Hihi. There's this thing I call "the art and sacredness of privacy". I don't name people especially when I have nothing good to say about them. Who would want to be sued for libel? Not me! Related to that are super personal pictures which never had the chance to be posted because of the same reason. I really want to, but I can't! Before posting, my initial thoughts were on the people who might get in trouble for those so yeah, caution! Aside from the aforementioned, let us include themes and add-ons. They can never be ignored! I'm a minimalist and I tend to keep things neat and clean so I use plain backgrounds. By that, readers will be more focused on the post itself, which I think is the most important thing on a blog. Whenever possible, I add pictures on my blog so it won't look bland. It comes in handy especially when  I'm describing something or I want to show something breath - taking. Last is, of course, credits. Nobody says yes to plagiarism! Unless they plagiarize, lol. As much as possible, acknowledge the owner of the photo, video, or whatever media you'll post unless it's officially yours. It's a must and you should take note. Take. Note!

I love blogging! In one way or another, it helped me broke out of my shell. I had experiences and learnt a lot of things from it. It's flattering when people read my blog and say that they find it great when I know for a fact it sucks. But it feels good to know that people are waiting for you to share something about your life and they think it's exciting. And they care! Sometimes they care so much that when I post something depressing they give me their piece of advice. Sweet! It goes to show that not everyone you meet on the internet are bastards. Haha!

This post is for everyone who thinks I can blog. Thank you for appreciating  my work of art and for making me feel loved! Virtual hugs and kisses for everyone!

Thoughts Remain Unshared

I have been drafting almost all of my posts. If not online, they’re on my first sem binder, a random paper I got from anywhere, my diary - slash - notebook, or even my spare phone. Inspiration strikes anywhere! It’s the same reason why as much as possible, I try to chase the creative I’ve constructed on my mind ‘cause too often than not, they slip away. As a result, I end up having nothing to write. For me, that is equal to one sucky blog. Another thing that sucks, I draft a lot but they never had the chance to be posted. Hopefully, I’d be able to. One day… one day where I’m not too indolent and busy being lazy.

Yes, my blog sucks. Bigtime.

I love, I hate

Some things I drafted on my cellphone when I was bored. I compiled it so I can delete it for fear that people might see it there. Hahhh!!! I just shared it online cause I know that only a number friends know about this blog and... whatever. Updating purposes. Whatever, here it goes!

• I hate that I can't think of anything that makes sense, but I love that you're clouding up my mind and for me, that makes sense.
• I hate being panicky, but I love the fact that you're the reason why.
• I hate going through profiles just to look at your photos, but I must admit, I like [love] your smile and I think it's adorable. That's why I can't resist, hihi.
• I hate it when girls try to cling to you, but I love that I don't have to do that cause you're the one who talks to me first.
• I hated going to school on Wednesdays and Saturdays, but I started to love it when I realized that I can catch a glimpse of you on those days.
• I hate it when you talk to our common friend only because it makes me feel so awkward and out of place, but knowing the fact that you're just inches away from me, I'm loving every second spent.
• I hate our split-second eye contacts, but I love that even for the shortest time you managed to take a glimpse of me. (Make it longer next time!!!)
• I hate that you saw me almost fall! But I love that you even took a second look just to check if I'm okay.
• I hate that you seem so coño, but I love that it only shows that you speak my favorite languages well. (Lets out the biggest WEH)
• I hate that you're in another section, but I love that I get to miss you every once in a while. (Lets out a bigger WEH)
• I hate that we don't get to talk a lot, but I love that it makes me crave for that next time I'll get to talk to you again.
• I hated everything because of all these broken heart issues, but I love how every piece fell back into place when I started liking you. Honestly, it just hastened the moving on part.
• Last but not the least, I hate being cheesy. But you're the reason why so I don't really mind. And I won't mind falling in love with poetry if that's the case.

Shhhh, let's keep this down low. Honestly, I'm not even on the verge of falling in love and I think I'm not getting there yet, this is one hell of a crush.

You can't make everybody love you, but you can make them fear you

The thing with impressions, it's disturbing once it gets into your head. It doesn't have to be good or bad, it just makes me conscious usually. And it's bothering me.

Whenever we'd talk about impressions regarding each other, my blockmates would say that I look "liberated" in a sense that I can balance party and work. That sort of rang a bell cause back in high school, I belonged to the people who would rather be nice than naughty. Perhaps the tough exterior I displayed when I entered college made them think that I'm the contrary of what I used to be. Nehhh, but most probably that concludes that who you are in high school is nothing compared to college. *Insert emoticon connoting "understand?"* If given the chance to list down everything about me and let you read it, then you'll know that I never had a boyfriend nor have I been intoxicated by alcohol even once. And I'm telling you that cause whenever I'll tell my blockmates about that, they would react something like "Weeeehhh?", "Hindi nga?" or worse, "Hindi ako naniniwala!" with feelings. Yes dear/s, I can be a candidate for presidency... for the celibacy club.

Because of these circumstances, I feel like I'm Easy A's Olive Penderghast. For the benefit of the people who still doesn't know her, she's the main protagonist of the film who had a reputation for being the school's slut when in fact she's still a virgin. I don't have a reputation for being a slut, though. Maybe a bitch... or a mean girl, but that's it. I am mean, I backstab, and I do some fake friendly things but it's because some people are just worth the treatment I give. Ha! True enough. So I'm leaving you the best tip I've learnt in college so far; "You must know how to make alliances, or else you'll be left out being bullied. Or worse, be stoned to death with harsh words hard as rocks."

#justanotherpostaboutcrushingandstuffs

I was never the quiet type. I'm usually the one who tends to spill secrets -- my secrets. And that would often lead to major disasters such as having them exposed to public. Aaaahhhh, the downside of being loquacious.

That was until I got my very first normal, non - gay, college crush. And there I go again, talking about him. Ugh, I just can't stop! Specially now that I think I've upgraded cause I started constructing metaphors - slash - corny things in mind like the latest, "You make everything awkward, but I love the awkward silence that lingers between us." I know, I KNOW! It's so not me. In fact, it's too cheesy for my life cause I'm actually that kind of person who doesn't know how to be sweet. Now, must he be that peculiar to actually change me a bit?

It's too early to say I'm in love and prolly to late to say that I'm just fond of him. More or less, I'm in between... and I guess I'm lovin' it. Gaaaaahhhh, and I even make honest mistakes referring to him. HONEST MISTAKES! Honest mistakes that I unconsciously say. I don't know! It's just perplexing, nothing could ever describe how I feel.

Well, inspiration, let's get it going! Finals in a few and I need to pass. So yes, I have to study and achieve the best. Currently, achieving enough sleep is t he best thing to do so I might as well hit the sack now. Good night!

I feel the same gush of wind that blows through your hair -- it's touching my cheek. My knees weakened and I stood there frozen, having no idea what to do. Despite everything, all I know is that I'm lookin' at you and my eyes are lovin' the view. My crazy heart felt like it's going to jump out of my rib cage! But if ever it's going to jump, I want you to catch it.

I already told myself, it's sensational

And irresistible.

That moment when you can't stop talking about somebody... people say that it makes you fall harder for them. Furthermore, it also means that somebody's been going through your mind the whole day. Ah, I really don't know if it's true, but if it is, then I might think that I may be suffering from a mild case of nakakakilig-talaga-si-crush syndrome. Bow.

It's still nothing serious, I'm just like... I don't know, diverting my feelings for another? Not exactly, but it hastened the phase of getting over and yet I don't know if it's just the spur of the moment or whatever. And speaking of getting over, I can now say that finally, I'M OVER HIM! Nah, I don't want to talk about it much but to cut the long story short, I bumped into him last Wednesday and not a single fuck was given. Yay! The greatest achievement when it comes to love matters so far. *smiles sheepishly*

Back to crush, uhm, I'm trying to be discreet whenever he's around. I can't even manage to look at him! But at times I do, and it's accidental that he's looking at me as well. Gaaaaahhh, to which one time, I randomly (not!) tweeted "You're the inspiration I needed. <3" Lol, whaddup inspiration? We were having our practice for our presentation thingy but then he appeared and I got distracted and I ruined the whole thing! But hey, I performed well on the actual!!! I redeemed myself. Hoho, the inspiration is to blame. *blush*

This whole thing is bothering me again so I blogged about it. Ok whatever, I'm out! xx.

Widen your horizons, little dancer

I know this case has been laid to rest, but I'll talk about it anyway.

Junior year, it bloomed. Annoyance would cripple my nerves whenever I'd hear anything K-Pop -- it's everywhere! I abhored how people went crazy over this and that when actually, they don't even know the half of it. My friends were one of those people. Errr, not really, but moreover they're like that but no. Whatever. We even got into a fight cause they become so hardcore that they can't stop talking about it! To cut the long story short, let's just say that we made a pact that they'll talk about it less and if an instance arrived that the "K-Poppers"are going to "unite", no one should care and blaaaaaaaahhhh. A few months after, everything's fine again. Blah blah blah. I just want to tell everyone that I'll be dancing something Korean... On stage, first time. It was never my genre and actually, it's nerve-wracking! By the way, we'll be dancing 2ne1's "I am the best" for UN Day. Wish me luck, people!

P.S.: Here's what we'll be dancing. And I'm going to be Bom!
P.P.S.: I LOVE KPOP!

You had me at hello

The feeling you get when butterflies flutter in your stomach is just sensational. If somebody denies that, then s/he must be lying.

If I'm not mistaken, the last time I felt this overwhelming feeling was... many months ago? I don't know, blame my "selective amnesia". I may have forgotten the date but the feeling remained, and I'm liking it. No, loving. And I don't mind feeling it over and over and over again that I could even go on like that forever.

I think I could like you... I already do.
Feelings can grow, but they can go away too.

When I entered college, I thought the possibility of liking someone new is blurry. But here it is, the moment has finally arrived! Just when I was about to live a life of single-blessedness. Joke. It's not that I'm actually looking for someone who's going to fill HIS place in my heart, it's just that I miss the feeling of hoarding all the kilig vibes and having to look around everywhere, searching for him in the crowd. Arrrgggghhh, I haven't told anyone about this yet. Well, except my girl and guy best friend, my block mate, and this blog! I'm trying to keep it down low because I don't want to mess it up!

It's nothing serious, he just caught my attention then blaaaahhhh the awkward me reared its head so I'm shutting up so I won't ruin the spur of the moment. Just, ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! I don't know how to describe what I feel but I'm pretty sure that it's unusual... so unusual that my heart beats unusually as well.

#andifeveryoullbreakupwithhertoday

I'll be there to comfort you. While I'm at it, Ill show you how you are not worthy of the pain you're feeling -- cause I know you don't deserve that. I might as well do my best to be your great confider cause I hate seeing you in such state.

But never would I dumb myself again. You don't deserve that, I said. But when I was just about to give my everything, you chose her instead. Now I guess you don't deserve that love I was to offer you. I hate seeing you sad, do you feel the same way for me? Oh wait, you're actually the reason why I'm melancholic. As deteriorated as can be, I'd rather see you sad so you'll feel the same way I did when you chose to break my heart.

I love you, still. But I have to go and seek a greater perhaps. I'm not worthy of this pain, don't you think?

A disgusting poem I did weeks ago

Why do I even bother thinking of you,

when I know for a fact that the same thing is not what you do?

Why am I wasting so much time and effort,

when I know that yours has already been given to someone else?

Why, is she of much worth?

Or is it because that the love she’s been showing is much intense?

I guess you’re quite numb,

for you haven’t noticed a thing or two,

and I’ve been here for a long time now.

I can even beat her in a `how well do you know` game!

And it’s because I’m so fond of you, even if you don’t have fame.

Yes it’s true, from your full name to your weird manner of sucking your thumb.

You asked me once if it’s true that I like you,

wherein I stared badly as a reply.

Now I wonder,

would everything change if `yes!` was my cry?

What would’ve happened if I told the truth rather than deny?

But I guess it’s too late, I just have to let my tears run dry.

Now all there’s left to do is to say `goodbye`.

To move on.

To be euphoric.

Grow up, he’s pathetic!

And you’re strong, you can’t let him lead you on.

So for you; I loved you, goodbye.

Just get back up if it knocks you down

I don't know what I did to deserve this kind of life. I hate how everything seems to fall apart when I should be having the time of my life. I can't believe I'm saying this but... fuck my life. I don't know how much more I can take. I keep on inhaling hate when (I think) all I ever do is breathe out almost every love from my body.

Perhaps this is the reason why I pretend to be someone I'm not. People think that I'm the most euphoric person they ever met because of my sunny disposition, jokes, yadda yadda; little did they know that I'm a two-faced liar who can't even force to fake a smile when I'm at home. I hate it! And I hate how jealousy is eating me up. I want to do this, that, have this, that, but for some reasons, I can't. And most of the time, my parents are to blame. Fck! And I also hate how abhorrent I think they are. It just doesn't seem right.

Hoping I'll feel better soon.

It's Fearless

10th August 2011. Props making - 3rd day.

The day started great. I couldn't hide my giddiness! It was like the first time since who knows when that I got excited to go to school ever since I started going to college. Yay! Thank God for my new friends - slash - alliances, for they are the reason why I'm motivated to go to school.

The escapade started at 9AM. We actually begged our Math prof to allow us to go out! Good thing he agreed. We wasted no time and effort as we all rushed to Janice's place to get all the props from there cause we left it in the safety of their home, for they live a few blocks away from school so yeah, we walked and ran through the hustle and bustle of Quiapo and I was in my 3-inch heels! Like a boss.

I and Charmaine!

We arrived at school just in time for the program. Series of events happened, but that didn't hinder us from doing a pretty good job. Although, compared to the upperclassmen, ours sucked! But whatever. That's why we're called freshies, right? Eventually, we'll get better and we'll learn how to adapt in the social jungle of  college.

While preparing the bushes

My dear Jevie, our leader

My bitch and I while we carry our props upstairs. Love ya!

First ever class picture!

A scene from our tableau! Florante and Laura  -- Edward and Inna

Vanity kills... BOREDOM! We had photo ops right after, at the lobby of the JPLhall. That was so ridiculous! Some photos were just too whacked, I was laughing so hard!

Embarrassing photo of yours truly!

VICTORIA! HAHAHA!

Your future diplomats

Only half of us are willing to take a photo. Haha! Hello Janice, Michelle and Charmaine!

Much better.

Whoever is that man on the picture, we're sorry we have to make fun of your portrait HAHA!

And another. Hahaha! Alleged family pic, lol!

Off we went to SM Manila to have our late lunch! But it was only I, Charmaine, Jans, Edward, Jevie and Chella who ate at Greenwhich. We shared lots of stories and learned lots of secrets, like we've been friends for the longest time!

The stairs going to the lower ground floor

Yay!

Now you know who's vain! I and Jans. ♥

With the tower coke Edward ordered. Huzzah!

Chella, Jans, Charmaine, Jowi. ♥

August 11, the day reality slapped us hard. Everything was just as complex as before...but the bond remained.   And some people were added to the bunch! How awesome can it get? And you guys have to agree with me; Charmaine, Jans, Chella, Jevie, Jinik, Elisha, Golda, Nicole, LéAnn, Charlene, Inna, Victoria, and the rest!

*HOPING THERE'S A COMPLETE PICTURE OF US*

Yes, I do miss my highschool friends and I keep on missing them everyday, and I have my college friends by my side whenever I feel alone. And here I am, looking forward to everyday. I am happy!

Photos courtesy of Jevilyn Mary Ruiz

Sweet escape to the train on the second trip

Coincidences, they happen. It's either you had that instance to invigorate for that moment and treasure for the rest of your life, or you had it to feel hatred... and to learn to bury the hatchet and move on with your life rather than to express loathe and look stupid.

J,

I'm pretty sure that right now, the Lord is testing me. Know why? `Cause I'm undergoing this instance which lies between the line of moving on and holding back -- and I'm confused. Hellaconfused, that is.  

If I continue to hold on, will you love me the same way? And if I move on, will you be sad that I'm gone?

Looks like the saddest  part is that you don't even know that I came up with these choices. What was I thinking? I know you never cared for me yet I've been fooling myself that you do. Sigh. I guess it's just all in my mind.

As I'm gearing towards the end of this letter, I am more convinced that I should really do the move. Ever since, I just let things flow. I know it made me happy, but sometimes it can be really unfair and it could even give me the darkest days. I think I'm losing.

If you're worth this pain then good, I wish I'll get through this somehow and we'll find our way back in the end. If not... then I'm so sorry that you don't have an awesome girl, like me, as your girlfriend. Ha-ha. Kidding... aside. LOL no, really

Thank you for everything and anything in between. I would never ever forget the words you spoke and the things you did. Hopefully in 2 months, I've finally gotten over this. But that's quite a long time, right? Unexpected things can happen. We'll see! Oh and... you'll always be the `illest` love of mine.

xx, J

P.S.: You know how to get me. B A S K E T B A L L.

P.P.S.: This letter is posted exactly a year after I posted this.

In case you don't want to get in trouble, hit the ignore button

Some people needs to be shoved with a plunger in their pie hole. I seriously don't want to add another pile of junk in this shitload of problems for omigahd's sake but hell, some people just won't shut up as if they're some kind of a bitch who's got more issues than vogue. Puhleeze, you're not even a girl to start with!

So, I stopped giving a fuck because I'm afraid that `it` might get worse. I didn't know that either way, it will still get worse! Know why? I contemplated and cared less but his unstoppable fag mouth pushed me to the limit that I can't help but speak for myself! I only spoke  in figures, with class and not so subtle hints, and it's his choice to leave the group so I guess it's not my problem anymore. Imagine, I have to deal with anger management the whole time because he used almost every single social networking site just to piss me off! Well I'm so sorry if my existence is bothering your voluptuous ass that you have to surrender first. Oh, and I bought the chatbox. You happy? There, there. Let me pat your back and apologize for the fact that my wealth is bothering you.

I'm pretty sure you know what my friends did. Yes, they were there to slightly fix the damage. Anyhoo, I think they just agitated the both of us because neither one of them is aware of what's going on yet they keep on making (snide) comments. Le sigh. Let's just take it from America's Next Top Model cycle 14's Alasia Ballard, shall we? `Shut. Up. Just. Shut. Up. That's why girls get beaten up in my hood, they don't know how to shut up.`

The entry title is for Aloysius Gonzaga who taught me the value of ignorance. `Huhupa din ang baha at darating din ang mga babaeng nakabini... ay babae ka nga pala, dapat mga lalaking naka swimwear.` Al if ever you get to read this, THANK YOU SO MUCH! And I love you. ♥

Gaaaahhh, this is just another update about how `awesome` my life is.

P.S.: Sorry for the bad words.

Thank God I found the `good` in `goodbye`

Yes, see you soon was pushed through... and I guess that would be the last time that I would be feeling that crazy, giddy feeling for him.

Weeks ago, he's been killing me softly with his sweetness then the next thing I know is that right now, I'm in front of my desktop talking about how he's killing me softly after I learnt about lots of things regarding him. That was so damn depressing indeed. And you can read via Twitter about how abhorrent I think he is! You see, I tweet like I'm a wasted piece of crap who would drink muriatic acid anytime. Boohoo.

I can't believe he chose someone younger than me. I mean, hello, with her age it looks that she just got her period. And perhaps she's still using baby bras. LOL. Now I sound so bitter and what the hell! I don't feel like myself after saying that. Anyway, I can't blame her. His words are too sugarcoated that everybody falls for it. I feel sad for her though, I can see that she'll get hurt eventually.

And as for the asshole who broke my heart, my middle finger salutes you. I'm sorry for being so bitter, but I guess you have to know that. If, by any chance, you happen to read this, I think you should know that I gave up 2 of my beloved ones because I think you're the one worth loving. I stand corrected! You hurt me and they were there to alleviate the pain you caused. Goodbye, and thank you. And if you don't mind, I'd rip the letter I gave you months ago. I am more than willing to do that, dear. LOVED ya! xo.

P.S. If ever you'll look for me soon, I'll always be here. But most probably, I'm not the same person anymore.

If We Ever Meet Again

Yes, I'm still holding on to that... I mean, it's like a promise and he should keep it.

That SMS was composed last Friday night, when I lied to him about sending a group message. Oh puh-leaze. I can't let myself fall into his words again. Note to self, always remember that a future ambassador should not trust words easily.

I am looking forward to the weekend!!! Quenny hosted a party on their yacht and agggghhh he said he's coming. I hope so! I am craving for a moment with that stooge. Haha!

Good Night, this just another nonsensical post about my so-called "love life".

The Backstabbing Bitch

I think I am one.

So, I started referring to one of my lower batch friends as "McFlirt" when she completely annoyed the hell out of me. That was last Summer. At first she can just be ignored but as time goes by, she can be really bothering.
Now she sounds like me. A lot like me! She uses the same expressions I use, talk the way I do, blah, and it's annoying! I wanted to talk to her about it but I'm afraid she might take it differently. And the fact that I'm okay with her whenever she's around is like, I don't know, complicated? It just drives me away from the confrontation part I've been dying to do. The thought of her irritates me but when I'm with her everything seems alright. Sigh. If I'm right, I wish she'd stop. The hell with her, I don't wanna be duplicated!

If ever you're McFlirt and you happened to drop by, I'm sorry. This is how I feel. Love, me.

P.S. Kiss my ass.

A nonsensical post about love

Just when I feel like giving up on us, You turned around and gave me one last touch; that made everything feel better

A line from Rihanna's California King Bed. I knew it would be useful someday.

After 23 days, I was able to feel his presence again! Good, cause I thought he died already. JOKE, KIDDING, KNOCK ON WOOD, CAN'T HAPPEN! Samara's not yet ready to lose his father. Hello, future! Lol. Back to what I'm saying, aaaahhh!!! Our conversation was snappy though, cause I still have classes the next day! Booooo. I saw it coming anyway. But the following words knocked me out and I just feel like sharing it. Teehee.

AKO: Good night! :)
HIM: good night dn... nyahaha.. xD
AKO: Gm! =))))
HIM: alam ko.. haha.. bawal ba replayan ung Gm! =))))
AKO: Hindi!!! Hahaha wala naman ako nilagay jan na bawal ka magreply! Hahaha :))
AKO: Geh na, may pasok pa ko bukas. Sa susunod na lang uli haha niiiiight :D
HIM: ewan.. =))) . haha .  xD
HIM: hahaha... =) . sige see u soon.. :)

He said he'll see me soon. I wonder when was that, but I really can't wait! You see baby, I'll defy how many nautical miles just to see you.

Baby don't you break my heart slow

We both know that I miss you. Can you make it easier for me? Cause I know you don’t care as much as I do but please, it’s killing me. If you won’t talk to me then fine, I’ll consider moving on. It’ll hurt, yes, but that won’t go on forever, right? Unless self-inflicted, lol. AAAAAHHHH, whatever. It looks like I’m giving up on you. But that’s quite alright, I guess… since I don’t have anything much to lose.

Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate everything that happened but eh, it kinda looks like that he’s leading me on. Excuse me, I would never dumb myself for a guy… I am too precious for that! Hihi.

Anyway, July 4 is the day. 3 years, yo. We’ll see what will happen.

Fourteen

His favorite number.
His birthday.
My age when I started to fall for him.
The number of days since we last talked.

Earlier, my professor was talking about foods. I wasn't paying attention though, cause I'm too hungry to handle the topic. Then I heard her say "Serapion" so I immediately asked my seatmate; "Ano daw? Serapion? Ang alin?" "Yung pagkain daw! Masarap yon!" "Ahh! Kala ko Serapion. Kung anu ano na naman naririnig ko. Haha!" Oooohhh. Nostalgia, I blame you!

My blockmate and I went to Grand Central to eat. She was the one who ordered for us so I was left at the table. I overheard these college girls at the other table saying that they're all swooning over this guy named "Jem". Ehhhhhh!!!

Looks like it's time to do some major ear cleaning, yo.

Another college-related blog entry

It's weird how almost all of my highschool schoolmates are so busy nowadays. I mean, everybody seems to be worrying about their midterms, groupworks, yadda yadda, and how about me? I'm here, chillin', not even ready to give a fuck `cause influx of assignments are yet to come. Woahoah.

Seriously, I wanna go back in high school. I miss how everything seems less complicated. I miss my lower year friends. I miss my school. I miss the tambays we do after class. I miss my awesome teachers, not to mention my oh-so-cool adviser. I miss my classmates. I miss my friends! Most of all, I miss the less than 10 minute venture to school. But in general, I miss how everything were.

College is doing great so far. I made friends! And they're all nice. My professors are nice as well. So far, I haven't met any terrorists yet. Aaaaaand, I'm loving my school. Hihi, yeah! Though it's miiiiiiiiiiileeeeeeeesssssssss apart from home. Not to mention, my killer heels!!! Just, ohmahgah, my 3-inch pumps are such a drag and it's hard to walk on rocky surfaces. Anyhoo, my powers can carry them so yeahhh... I feel like I'm on America's Next Top Model lol. Wish me luck for the coming days.

Currently, it's past 12 and I'm still talking to my friend Dominic. I miss him to bits! And I'm off to support him with his endeavors and to continue our pep talk. xx.

I do, cherish you for the rest of my life

Random title of a random entry.

My gosh, I didn't know that it's been a year since this incident. After everything that happened, all I can say is..

.. Everything you've done is well-appreciated. I love how you make me so happy. Know what? Just by seeing you, I feel so eternally happy! And whenever you make the effort to talk to me first, I feel like I'm going to die due to insane happiness. Really! Oh, and I appreciate how you cheer me up whenever I'm sad. Also, I appreciate how you appreciate the little things I give you. AND I CAN'T HELP BUT APPRECIATE EVERYTHING YOU DO. I love you.

A college-related blog entry

First day of college, and all I can say is "wow!". I never actually thought that it would be that great! Everything is just... unexpected.

I woke up at 4:30AM, got ready, then left for school at about 5:20. I reached school at... about 6: 30. I was early, and would never dare be late. I couldn't think of anything but "Sooo, this is how it feels to commute to school, huh?" cause my previous school is just 5 minutes away, I could even go to school a few minutes before the bell rings.

I've made friends already! I never thought that that would be easy. Haha! Sorry, cause all along I thought that I'd be forever alone in college. Heck, I was wrong. Was even gobsmacked, I've made TOOOO many friends! More than what I've expected, actually.

We had our flag-raising activity earlier! And that encouraged me to try out for the pepsquad. Lol, but that activity totally made my day cause I learnt that college rocks! I'm not even scared anymore.

After classes, we had this activity; an Amazing Race type of contest. My heels killed me! We were running all over the corridor just for that thing! And the result, I got blisters. Totally painful blisters. IT FREAKIN' HURTS. But I guess it's great that I sort of had an easy ticket to this club which can showcase my dancing skills. LOL.

Everything was just great, I'm just too indolent to tell how fine it went. Looking forward for tomorrow.

Summer, kind of wonderful

Summer `11 is about to end. All in all, it's one of the best summers I had so far so thank You, Lord! Tomorrow I'll go to college, and my heart couldn't stop pounding.

KASALUKUYAN: Mga "Ayoko" Mangyari (mga sinabi ko sa kaibigan ko)

Ayoko umalis ng highschool. Kase...

• Ayokong hindi makita si *** araw araw
• Ayoko syang lumayo ng bahay
• Ayokong di sya makita mag basketball
• Ayokong hindi nya ko kinukulit araw araw
• Ayokong hindi kinikilig araw araw
• Ayoko nang nag aalala
• Ayoko nung iniisip kung nasa'n na sya kase di ko sya madalas nakikita
• Ayoko yung asa ako ng asa na makakasabay ko sya sa kung saan kase gusto ko sya makita
• Ayoko yung inaalala ko lang lahat ng nangyare, gusto ko sana nadagdagan yun... kung kasama ko lang sya eh
• Ayokong hindi nakikita mga ginagawa mo... baka magka girlfriend sya eh. Tas di ako yun. BIRO LANG
• Ayoko din pala ng pinapakilig nya ko minsan, kase pakiramdam ko ginagago nya lang ako
• Ayoko namang hindi nararamdaman yun
• Ayokong magselos pero nagagawa ko kahit ayoko
• Ayoko talaga ng nararamdaman ko sa totoo lang, kaso ang hirap pigilan
• Ayokong din namang masaktan, kaso tinitiis ko kase baka may mangyaring maganda

Pero ang pinaka ayoko sa lahat eh yung hindi ko magawang aminin sayo na gusto kita talaga. Gustong gusto. Gustong gusto kitang talaga, JEM.

It Kills...

That I said I didn't miss him when I actually do. I really do. Like I want him to appear infront of me from out of the blue... as in right now! Even if my clock says it's already 23: 27. Huuuu, I regret denying the fact! And now that we haven't SMS-ed each other for a week, it kinda makes me miss him more. Sigh.

I hate myself for being so denial. Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't know it's double-edged and I'll hurt myself. Fudge. This might be the prize for doing that. /smacksheadonwall Anyhoo, I'm still keeping my hopes up that I'll see him on the 4th of next month! *fingers crossed* It's just that my head is filled with random thoughts about him and I want to see him so I could make up my mind. Yes.

Basically what happened when I hibernated

MAY 10 - The Justin Bieber Experience

Fake. It was the screen!

MNL at night.

While chilling at Starbucks. I saw him like he was just 20 meters away! Unexpected. And I was quite starstruck-ed!


MAY 15 - Tara na sa Antipolo!

Nigh swimming with cousins. Wasn't able to bring my cam though. Hihi. T'WAS HELLA FUN REALLY.


MAY 17 - Ambush EK Trip

Woke up with a text message saying that our clique would go to Enchanted King. For free! Why would I turn it down? It's F R E E!!! Here are some pretty good shots. My favorites, actually.

I don't really know all of them.

Borgirlfriends!

With Andrea. The roller skater!

You wouldn't want to ride this. I almost barfed then! BTW, Up, Up & Away.

With Kirstin! Dodgems here.

The happiness!!! The most extreme ride there lol.

At the Rialto!!! Went there to watch Mumble's Wild Trip thingy.

Me trying to fit in a zorb.

Obligatory self pic after riding the Jungle Log Jam

Last picture of the day! With the crew of "the Wheel of Fate"

© Karylle Azagra

The rest of the boring days

The day I felt fierce. LOL,

Oh, it's the 24th! Happy Fakesary, J! Speaking of J, I almost fainted when he called me J as well!

I can say I got a life. xoxo, boring unproductive days!

Life? Got it!

I was off for 2 weeks. No, I did not hibernate! But I was gone. Will post something decent later but anyhoo, here's a pic of yours truly.

Next Chapter

Have we end up this way; see me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy and you're doing you're best to avoid me?

I say, NO. Everything that happened in high school stays in high school. And I guess he was thinking the same when yesterday, his name suddenly popped out of my FB chat to ask how I was doing and stuffs. I was really appalled! And yes, it did made my day. Every time we have long fights, I'm usually the one who talks first. Urrrrgggghhh, the thought that he was the first one to talk made me giddy! It was just unexpected. Gaaaahhh. And another thing totally unexpected is the fact that we accidentally saw each other at church! Just, asdfghjkl. His smile! Most probably the sweetest smile I've seen lately. Though he's a little darker than usual, he's just... cute. Teehee, I miss him to pieces. I just can't help but pour the sudden gushes I felt. Thank You, Lord! Now I know, it's called Sabado de Gloria for a reason.

He could easily have been a hallucination willed into existence by the sheer force of my desire to see him.

Narcissism

Say hello to the 21st day of Summer! Err, I am also commemorating the month after I gave J my graduation letter for him. Hihi. Ohhhh, the high school vibes. And kilig vibes as well! Anyhoo, I'm home alone.

Invisible

I hate it when she puts his name on her GMs. It just fucking hurts. I know, I might be overthinking again but I can't help it. It just felt like she's gaining a slot ahead from me. Ok, let's face it. She's really a slot ahead. He likes her. A mild crush perhaps, but still... I don't know. Ok, this is nothing. Just...

Putangina lang gusto ko sumuko, umiiyak na talaga ko ano ba

Let it go

No, I'm not selfish. I just dislike the fact that I can't buy this thing I want because my parents said so and... ahhh, never mind. It's driving me nuts though! I know I'm not rude but I became one when they started discouraging me regarding the things that I want to do and stuffs. Now I'm all bitch-ed up because of everything. Le sigh. I hate it every time this happens.

Take Me Back in Time

So, this is a letter.

Dear fourteen-year old self,

 Congratulations! Finally, you made it through. You have moved on from the ups and downs of your first love! And now there's this throbbing guy you seem to like. Well, good for you! He doesn't bite but surely he'll keep you hanging on a thread. Don't worry, he'll cause you less pain and of course, long-lasting euphoria. I suggest you do the right moves. Don't ever push him away, he won't like that. I mean, nobody likes that, what was I thinking. Errrr, but ignoring him for 3 days would do, leaving you a faux-boyfriend. Be careful, though! Sometimes you'll find yourself on the verge of giving up because of all these bipolarity. Everything won't end there, for he will leave you a promise that you'll see each other again. Take care! I know you'll see him soon. Samara will be pushed through, right?! Yes!

Hoping for the best, 

Your sixteen-year old self 

She's got her hopes up, got them up to there

A low quality picture of the letter I made for my... my... friend, yeah! Giving him a letter didn't even crossed my mind but the moment I saw these cute Superman memo pads, I thought twice about it! I always knew how he liked Superman so yeahhh. He likes it.

Of Talents and Introductions

For the past 4 years, the researcher haven’t encountered anything like this – extended time during recess or lunch for line formations. Well, it would happen before but unlike now, it happens usually. She loathed it for the fact that it’s been bugging classes a lot, but loved it at the same time for having those “saved by the bell” moments. Seeing this happen made her wonder, how does it affect her fellow students? Does it annoy them as well? How do they deal with it? As she seeks answer to this problem, it moved her to conduct a study about the perception of High school students regarding the line formation and imposition of discipline. The researcher’s main goal for the completion of this paper is to find answer to all her queries regarding their perception with this “new” disciplinary action. According to Wikipedia.org, discipline refers to systematic instruction given to a disciple, to train them as students in a craft or trade, or to follow a particular code of conduct or "order". Often, the phrase "to discipline" carries a negative connotation. This is because enforcement of order – that is, ensuring instructions are carried out – is often regulated through punishment.
 More often than not, a certain violation has a corresponding punishment; that’s what the researcher proved. Often she would see students being given corresponding sanctions because of the mistakes they have committed. Also, being in a class where (as everybody says) lacks discipline moved her to do this study.

So, I finally defended my thesis last Friday! The coolest remark I got is probably when our research adviser said "Woah, your introduction is promising." Hah! I feel so smart! And it felt good disregarding the fact that I'm not really intelligent. Ok, I must do some revisions again. Few more days and we'll be leaving High School! Sigh. Oh and, examinations week is finally here! Asdfghjkl, I'm gonna diiiiiiiiie. Die not literally. God bless my soul.

If You're Happy and You Know it, Post a pic!

This picture was taken last Wednesday, I guess? 'Cause I was wearing the "key to my heart" necklace last Thursday. Speaking of Thursday, I LOVE THURSDAY!!! Mark the date, February 24, 2011! It was just... I don't know, random? Everything seems to be unusual to that point that days hath passed but I'm still going nuts about it. Gaaaaahhh.

When It Suddenly Hurts

Tall, dark and superman; 

he's complicated, he's so rational, 

but I hope someday he'll take me away and save the day.

My day.

Happiness

Dear Lord,

Thank You for putting me in St. Thomas. I could not ask for more.

Love, Joanne

Cheers to the year that is!