Here's to Our Friendship Gone Endship

Remember when we weren't outbitching each other through Facebook statuses? When we were just happy, not thinking about any competition? Oh, how about that time when neither of us would backstab each other? Uh huh, but do you remember when we're still friends?

Somewhere along the way, something went wrong. The back of my mind is telling me that you were to blame but then again, we have our faults too. It was both our fault. We drifted and no one is to blame. It was our decision, and it was your decision to be someone we never thought you were. It's pretty crazy really, how we went from almost sisters to annoying blisters. Tsk. Gosh, y'all have no idea how I want to slit your throat. Haha, kidding but half-meant.

I've been missing you all, though. All those crazy chikahan moments, our not-so-out-of-town trips, our bonding moments, everything! Nostalgia kicks in everytime I think of it. While I'm pretty sure that we won't go back to what we were anytime now, let's just use this pace to move on and seek inner peace and maybe, in time, get back to being the closest of friends. The friendship was awesome and I sure want to have it back.

"Do You Know Pain?"

Pain has been my loyal company for years. It never left my side even when I was immensely miserable. Oh wait, it was why I was immensely miserable. It was always there and I guess it loved me very much. It clung to me indeed, but I could say that my relationship with it was an enlightenment.

I felt pain when I was left hanging-- hanging on a belief that he likes me back, and when he left me hanging alone on that queue when we were supposed to ride the Ferris wheel together. It was rubbing into my face what rejection meant; what I-will-never-like-you would look like if it had a face and a hand that's bound to slap you. It was when I ran away crying my heart out, having the worst birthday ever.

I saw pain when I saw him look at her the same way he looked at me. It was seeing them do all the lovey-dovey things we used to do together. It was when I died inside right then and there, wishing I was her instead.

I heard pain when she told me what happened to him; that he had the worst Valentine's day because he was left by the girl he chose over me. It was crying until school the next day for feeling his pain. It's crying because I never would've done that to him if he chose me instead. It was hearing my heart shatter-- feeling all the pain for him, feeling everything I shouldn't feel.

I smelled pain when I knew he would ignore me and I was right. It was when I just wanted him to notice me and he didn't, like we are complete strangers with memories. It was like welcoming death by ignoring warnings.

I had a taste of pain when all my reminiscences turned out to be bitter. It was when I thought that everything was sweet until it finally hit me that I just made myself believe in all those actions which were actually unrealistic. It was fooling my mind, believing my own lies, neglecting myself.

I knew pain when I've gotten over everything. It was when I never had to feel, hear, nor even taste or smell pain ever again. It was when I finally found love; when I cry not because some guy meddled with my feelings, but because someone values my worth. It was kissing and all of a sudden, fireworks would lit up the sky like he paid for them to make my moment spontaneous. It was not just the Ferrero bouquet or the material things he gave me, it was the sincerity. It was risking the fall and knowing it was worth every heartbeat, and finding hope when there is none. It is every I love you, and you are going to be the last girl I'll ever love. It was bidding pain goodbye and saying hello to relief.

Upgrade

Two days ago, mom got me a new phone because apparently, my old one started being sucky and she thought applying me for a postpaid plan would be much convenient since I don't answer her texts 'cause I'm broke as fck and I can't even afford to buy myself load.

...And I'm currently blogging via an Android app. Hello! And its screenshot's right (left) there. You're welcome! It's Blogaway, by the way.

Social Media Sucks

I hate that kind of relationship wherein one is holding on and fighting for it while the other half is not exerting any effort to keep it going. I don't know what makes me hate it though... is it because the other one's too stupid to realize that that is pointless or is it because the other one's too dumb to realize that s/he has a loyal mate up there? Either way, I never had the chance to experience that 'cause I've never been into any relationship (except this) so I have no right to drop any advice. Heh. Who knows? I might or might not experience that but hopefully I won't 'cause no one likes to be in such kind of situation. BUT LADIES, know when to give up. Some guy made me feel unworthy before and giving up my feelings for him was the best decision I made in my entire eighteen years of existence. It was really difficult at first for I thought he was the best guy I could ever have but heck, Prince Charming came and proved me wrong. Now I am at my happiest state and I am more than sure that this will go on forever. Heeee, cheeseballs.

Anyway, don't mind me. I just wrote this because some of my friends had gone emo on their tweets and FB statuses and yes, the chismosa in me was bothered.

I, Vomiting Words

Have you ever been so immensely frustrated?

...

Well, I did. Or I do. I can't write and I don't know why is that. It has been the source of my (super slight) depression lately for I can't seem to weave words the way I used to-- like I finally rusted or something, and that I consider a nightmare. What's worse is that it's been going on for months and I can't find a remedy to my predicament. I don't know, it looks to me like this: I. Am. Doomed.

Or not. Whatever. The past semester in school required a lot of researching, analyzing, and of course, writing. Most of the time, I'd get grades not higher than 90... okay, 88, and it undoubtedly made me doubt if I could actually write or not... and I'm starting to think not because all signs point to NO. Argh. Considering that I'm "the writer", the one with the most experience, the one who writes well... where did I lose it? My driving force when it comes to writing? I haven't even typed an awesome sentence in this one hell of a post about how-I-can't-write-anymore! This is driving me insane, sad, worried, and every little thing that won't suffice to this whole starting-to-suck dilemma. I'm starting to believe that I'm losing it and I'm nowhere near reclaiming it. I... I guess I failed.

I am staying positive though. Note to self: One day, you will write better than you did, better than anybody else did. One day. Now all I need is something to keep me going and eventually, to lead me back on track. I just hope I find it soon or I might consider slitting my throat if this goes on. Kidding! Alongside, I am hopeful that this blog will be back in its tiptop shape. Soon. And hopeful!