Faux letter for a faux lover

Last year, March 21st, I was writing you a letter. I don't know what's with March 21st and letters, but I'm doing the exact same thing a year after.

I honestly don't know what to reply when you tried to talk to me on chat. Prolly because it's: A.) too surreal for my life, and B.) I've already told and convinced myself that things like this would never happen and if it does then it might be December 21, 2012 already. But heck, I can't help myself. I was too caught off guard. Well I'm sorry. It's just that the pain I get from talking to you like nothing happened is just as painful as keeping it all to myself. I bet you don't know that I was just letting them all pass right before my eyes but deep, deep, down inside, I was actually striving hard to surpass all the misery that's right infront of me. And then I became numb... great.

Last night, you told me that you kept the letter I gave you last year. My heart dropped! Seriously, I wasn't expecting that from you. I already supposed that you already threw it somewhere or your then girlfriend tore it to pieces, but no. I stand corrected. And I was extremely touched upon learning that you're still keeping it up to now, meaning you kept it even when you were with somebody else. Hee. I was worrying about that letter for weeks... or even months, and when you told me that, I could not ask for more since you made me feel like I made something so special and valuable and I were as special and valuable to you. However, when you told me that I should be thankful to you for keeping that, everything came crashing down. It's like you're telling me that you don't even want to keep that letter and you're keeping it just for the sake of keeping it. Sigh. I just hope you noticed that it's the part where our conversation got screwed up.

I was crying the whole night. The thought of you is keeping me up. "I never want to see you again", I keep on reiterating. But I've always wanted a closure. With a prayer saying that I need somebody to be there for me, I headed to dreamland. Zzzz.

Somebody to be there for me, in other terms, love life. I don't know if it's coincidental or not, but everytime I'd pray for that, I'd always bump into you. Crazy, right? It was a surprise to see you again. And chat for a bit. And blah. Like nothing happened the night before... ouch. I never said a thing or two about pain and the like, but I wanted to. I badly wanted to. Problem is, I chickened out! Shiz. But I'll catch you next time, I swear! I won't let you go without telling you my feelings. That is if I won't chicken out like I do every effing time. Ugh. My sh*tload of regrets is slowly drowning the hell out of me.

Tomorrow's the letter's anniversary, I know you remember. Remember what I said about being confused with my feelings? Now I know...

I have loved you, and I'll always love you. So much. I don't care about everything or anything, I can ignore them all for you, but... now I don't feel the same anymore.